It’s been awhile. I know. Whatever. Get over it.
I havent slept in 3 days… I think it’s Wednesday?
Today is my last college class. EVER.
Yup — I actually pulled this shit show off.
Ok. I need to study or some shit I guess
This really only applies to people who aren’t boring.
It was really great to see forty notifications on LinkedIn about your latest promotion (Because we care?)
& OH, I ALMOST FORGOT! Congrats on the updated Facebook relationship status!
I’m sure you and your cat will be very happy together….
You’ll begin to start questioning life right after you turn twenty-one. It will blindside you on a random Wednesday & you’ll think back to when you read this and say, “Shit. She was right…” Yeah, well guess what? I’m always right.
There will be bills you must pay, obligations must keep & decisions you must make.
WORDS OF ADVICE: Verizon, Comcast, AMEX, nor Visa….
Will give two, three, or even four shits…that you “HAD TO HAVE” the new Google Glass…
Sort’ve like when you were little and your mom would threaten you with,
“If you break it, you buy it”
Here is the adult version your mother never happened to mention:
“If you charge it, YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR IT LATER”
There are also these things called: APR, Interest, & Late Fee’s… Just as they sound, they are no fun.
Things may seem like they are starting to make sense .. and then they don’t & shit gets even more confusing than it was in the first place. Around this same time you’ll probably start to wonder about your character, morals & beliefs:
It gets better. Well, at least I hope it does. If I figure it out before you — I’ll make sure to mention it..
In the blink of an eye you’ll go from uploading pictures of you & your 8 million “best friends” …
…To unfollowing those exact same people five years later. Mostly due to the fact that they posted 40 pictures IN A ROW of their newborn, alien baby & they continuously feel the need to use the hashtag “#babymama” like it’s a good thing…
Oh, and don’t even get me started on all the engagements. Maybe it’s just me, but I’d rather wait until my fiancé can afford the ring I want, than him surprising me with a princess-cut cubic zirconia “diamond” from Walmart. I see this sad and unfortunate scenario play out daily as I scroll down my Instagram feed…
… and then I scroll back up to delete you.
If your engagement ring is that tacky, I do NOT want to see what the wedding will look like…
If you have your shit together, you’re probably out of college by now, working your first job, getting paid like shit & still eating Ramon noodles. This may be where you return back to #1 (What is Life?) and ask yourself how did four years of suffering result in becoming more poor than you were to begin with?
You’re so poor even the bank even feels the need to remind you. Not only are you completely broke, but the NOTHING somehow turns into something…
“Hello, Welcome to Wells Fargo Bank. Just to let you know you’re -23.00 in your checking. How would you like to fix this?”
Yes, I know. I am very well aware, considering you feel the need to remind me by sending out a letter everyday. Maybe if you would stop sending me mail we could call it even on the $23.00.
I’d save you a fortune on ink, envelopes, and postage.
You may tell yourself, “No, No, No… that ‘s only people who don’t watch their finances!”
Yeah? Really? I watch mine…
I swear my body knew when I turned twenty-four. I drank my face off, did some fucked up – reckless shit, woke up the next morning & legit had the worst hangover of my life. I’m not just talking about my head or my stomach…I’m talking about my whole body. It was crying, whimpering & sulking… I should’ve responded back with: “the hospital…”
Yes. That was a serious question a girl asked in my class.
The course largely consists of underclassmen, who were born in or around 1995-1996, but grew up in the new millennium. Of course, I did as well, but I also REMEMBER things from the 90’s…like what life was like before Wikipedia…
I feel like this is the appropriate time to pay my respects to Google, Wikipedia, and the like, for making life a whole lot easier, but even more importantly…
“Yahoo Answers,” the single, most important reason I’m still in college & still passing.
At the very sound of my professor saying the word, “Encyclopedia”, half the class looked even more puzzled than a baby recognizing its own foot for the first time…
Although, I don’t think any story I tell you can beat the freshman girl who was completely beside herself as I explained how Justin Timberlake had been in a boy band & wore a matching denim outfit with Britney before he wore a matching suite & tie with Jay-Z
So, twenty-four should be interesting. I mean, shit, the past 24 hours I have been pretttttty interesting.
I don’t know what the hell is going to happen with my life. At the rate I’m going I could either wake up tomorrow morning as Beyonce…
…Or I could wake up as Lindsay Lohan.
If I get to choose, it would be LL circa 2004…
Those were the pre-drug-fueled-ankle-bracelet-wearing days.
What you should know about the college application process! I’ve been through this too many times to count over the past few years & this post shares some great tips!
I may add though: set all your personal social media to private. Admissions doesn’t need to know about the two wine coolers you chugged last weekend that got you “soooooooo wastedddddd.”
Hello fellow high schoolers, middle schoolers and late bloomers alike,
I’m here with a new series for y’all called: College Confusion Clarified (As you may have notice)
I’m here to help you, help yourself through the most confusing time ever. Whether you are in the time crunch of getting those app’s in by January (which is right around the corner so message me with any immediate help! info will be at the end!) or you still have some time, this series is for you!
Not to toot my own horn, but I’m 4 for 4 in the application process! I’ve been accepted into Le Moyne, Saint Joseph’s, Fairfield and Mercyhurst, all with scholarships! *END BRAG SHESH*
This first post is going to be about the essay. The dreaded common app essay.
If you can, you will want to get it done as early as possible. But if you are…
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A few years ago I had these neighbors. These are the type of neighbors you don’t really know too well, but you say hi when you both awkwardly walk down to your mailboxes at the end of your driveways at the same time and run into each other. Those types of neighbors.
One beautiful summer afternoon as I was cleaning my house while my parents were at work
AKA: As I was throwing back shots of Jose Cuervo with my friends by the pool while my parents were at work
I randomly hear my doorbell ring. Naturally, I get nervous and think it’s one of two things:
Every pretty girl thinks the same thing when she’s home alone and the door bell rings. You’re afraid that since you obviously weren’t beaten with the ugly stick it could be a crazy person coming to lock you in his basement for thirty years or you think it could be the police, because remember that shit that happened two years ago that nobody fucking remembers, but you think up five million scenarios in your head on how the police somehow know? Yeah. Think about this next time this happens to you girls. You’ll see I’m right. I’m always right.
I opened up the door in a sweat shirt and sweat pants (AKA in a bikini with a drink in my hand) and see my mailbox neighbors. Awkward. I held the door open just enough to pop my head out, because they don’t seem like the type of people you want to let in your house mostly because the wife had her pet bunny rabbit in her arms. She would carry it around frequently and it sort’ve freaked me out. The wife handed me some cookies (I’m guessing as some peace offering, doesn’t she know cookies have carbs? Not a great way to make friends lady…) and she began to tell me some story that I’m sure I cared about for two seconds, but I started sucking down the rest of my drink halfway through, since she got boring pretty quickly. Naturally, this led me to forget much of our conversation, which I didn’t mind, because I vaguely remembered her glorifying her pet bunny rabbit.
Two days later I was outside basking in the sun’s glorious rays trying to obtain my perfect golden tan, when I heard my dog run up next to my towel. It was my job to watch her during the day and I frequently left the gate open for her to run around so she could explore without the restraints of a fence. I sat up and realized that she had something gripped in her mouth. Rikki was always trying to get me to throw shit across the yard for her to chase. It was exhausting and I was obviously busy. The perfect tan takes handwork and patience. I told her to spit it out and I quickly noticed that it didn’t look like a toy.
Yes, this really is my life.
Obviously, I freaked out. I wasn’t sure if I should clean it off and return it to the cage in their backyard or pretend to tell them that I tried to rescue it as it got hit by a car from escaping its cage. Really…who would tell the truth about this? Nobody. Don’t lie. You can’t turn your dog in. It’s man’s bestfriend.
So naturally, I decided to do the more fucked up thing.
Yeah. I cleaned the rabbit off. So what? I wasn’t totally in the right mindset. Everyone know’s what this feels like. It’s that feeling when you know that shit is about to hit the fan and if you don’t do some fucked up shit to fix it…your ass is the one that’s on the line.
I walked over to my neighbors house and snuck into the backyard where the cage was. I slid the rabbit back into it’s shitty home (who leaves a rabbit outside?) and I ran back home to pretend like it was a dream similar to Alice in Wonderland. Except that this white rabbit probably wishes it was late for a very important date…with my dogs mouth.
A few days later I woke up and walked down to my driveway to grab the mail. I was waiting for a package with a bunch of overpriced items that I bought with my dad’s credit card and I wanted to make sure he didn’t find it before I did. Even before I could notice, my neighbor conveniently happened to start walking towards her mailbox as well. We both made eye contact and she waved. White flag. I immediately knew she had no idea that I was an accessory in the death of her precious rabbit. She grabbed her mail and I saw her glance my way once again. I could tell she wanted to come over and start some pointless conversation with me and unfortunatley I didn’t have a drink in my hand this time. She started off with some pointless small talk, but quickly began to tell me how depressed and upset she had been over the past two days. Like I care. She continues blabbering on about how her husband doesn’t believe her and how the rabbit was dead earlier in the week.
I tell her to calm the fuck down and that I’m here for her,
but to tell me exactly what happened from the beginning.
DISCLAIMER: ONLY CONTINUE READING IF YOU’RE IN A PLACE WHERE YOU CAN SCREAM
“OH MY GOD ARE FUCKING SERIOUS? IS THAT REAL?!”
She beings to tell me that her beloved bunny rabbit had passed away “naturally thank god, because I don’t think I could deal with the fact if he went any other way.” I got every detail about how she buried it in the backyard, but a few days ago when she decided it was time to clean out the cage she was surprised to find the rabbit back…in it’s cage…after being buried…in the ground.
It hit me immediately and I realized two things:
The rabbit had actually died naturally with its owner a few days before my dog Rikki had found it. My neighbor buried the rabbit in their backyard where my dog would frequently run around during the day when I would open the gate. Since I had more important things to do than watch my dog like my parents would tell me to do, I never noticed if she was getting into something…like a buried bunny. My dog had dug up the already dead rabbit up and delivered it to me (what a nice gift, don’t ya think?) and being that I was unaware of the rabbits first death I had cleaned it off and returned it to it’s cage. When my neighbor came to grips with reality and decided that she needed to clean the cage … she found the rabbit back … in its cage … after it had already been buried.
So my neighbor now believes that her bunny rabbit is some sort of spiritual animal, because what type of living thing dies and then comes back to life? The only other time I’ve heard of this happening is in this fairy tale book called the Bible where some guy apparently crawls out of a cave and comes back to life. Sounds legit….
I told you this was a good one.
There are certain situations in life where you have no choice but to lie. If I would’ve told my neighbors the truth about how my dog had dug their dead rabbit….I’m pretty sure that wouldn’t have gone to well.
My one job while my parents were at work was to watch the damn dog. If I would have done this correctly I wouldn’t have a neighbor who now thinks her rabbit is the second coming of Christ in animal form.
This is like an art. There are going to be things that happen in your life where you already know the truth, but you can’t let anyone else know that you know. So this is where your surprise face comes into play. Practice makes perfect and it needs to be perfect or else you won’t pull it off. This way the next time you do some fucked up shit on the down low and somebody mentions it to you … you can kill it with the surprise face and maybe even add a “OH MY GOD I can’t believe that” just to make it extra reassuring that you had no part in that situation, even though you totally did..or did you?
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There’s more of where this comes from on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram!
So naturally I shared it on my Facebook page and people started commenting, because all the things mentioned were so damn relatable..not just with my life, but almost everybody else’s. Heres the thing though: I felt like some of these original points made were a little “cutesy”…some of them seemed like quotes pulled from a pintrest page. So I decided to make some adjustments, because we all have things we know now that we wish we knew at eighteen…
1. Boys will break your heart. Let them. Learn from it.
This doesn’t stop after 18 either. Oh, and girls can break boys hearts as well. But, really…who cares? Get dressed, go out, take a shot (or eight), and dance ALL night with your best friends. It’s the cure to a breakup…seriously. Trust me.
2. It’s so easy to become jaded, but don’t let it happen to you. Fight it.
Fight anything that is normal. Everyone is jaded, don’t be that person.
3. Stand firm in your beliefs.
…But allow yourself to grow and change your beliefs. Example: you might seriously believe that Von Dutch trucker hats are going to be cool forever when your eighteen, but they aren’t. Now you have to accept that fact every time you click through all your Facebook pictures….
4. Love yourself. Sometimes you’re all you have.
I know there’s a corny saying out there that goes something like: “You can’t love anyone unless you love yourself” & it’s totally NOT true, but you are WAY happier when you love yourself AND when you can laugh at yourself.
5. Cherish the little things.
Seriously…like sleeping really late without feeling guilty or having no serious responsibilities other than finding out where the party is at tonight. One day you’ll have so much stupid shit to get done in one day you can’t even say the word “sleep” and your responsibilities include working on a Friday and paying bills that are in your name.
6. Order pizza at 3am on a Tuesday. It won’t kill you.
I really can’t say anything here. I know I’m skinny…but seriously just order pizza at anytime or any day. Everyone is sick of hearing how you think your fat (when you really aren’t) and we all know your just going to eat a ton of shit later … alone … when everyone is gone so that you don’t think we’re judging you (which we weren’t in the first place)
7. It’s okay to laugh at yourself. Embrace the imperfections.
Once you learn how to do this your life is way better. I’m still trying to perfect this 100%
8. You are the rule, not the exception. Life will be so much easier if you accept this now.
We’ve all seen “He’s just not that into you” (if you haven’t GO WATCH IT NOW) and it is pretty accurate. When you want to be the exception, you are the rule and when you want to be the rule, you are the exception. It’s life’s fucked up way of screwing us over. Now, with that being said…pretty people get away with more. So, in that case if you are pretty you are always the exception and that is a rule.
9. Make mistakes. If you learn from them, they won’t be in vain.
This sounds like a line from YOLO by Drake. But seriously…when your young make mistakes. They become harder to justify as you get older. You have a valid excuse at 18…you’re young and dumb. DUH!
10. He’s lying, there is no fish tank. Go anyway.
There’s never a fish tank, a movie, cookies, a “ton of people” … I mean the list can go on, but if there is a fish tank ..leave. Who has fish anymore? If there are cookies…stay. What guy actually has food in his apartment? ONE YOU BETTER KEEP TALKING TO, THATS WHO!
11. Classes can be retaken. Life cannot.
I’m going to agree to disagree on this one. GO TO CLASS. It is impossible to fail a class if you just go. Get your hungover ass up, throw on some sweatpants & a sweatshirt and get that attendance Wanna know why? Because if you have to keep retaking classes you’ll be in college ’til when your twenty-five and you still won’t have a life, because it revolves around school. #BOOM
12. Sometimes it’s better to ask for forgiveness than for permission.
Ok, obviously this doesn’t go for everything. If your gonna use your parents American Express black card that has no limit….don’t ask! ARE YOU CRAZY THEY ARE GOING TO SAY NO! Just beg for forgiveness when the bill comes in and explain that your social status depended on it
13. The world is full of cynics – don’t become one.
bottom line: everyone hates a cynic, everyone wants to be liked, don’t be a cynic.
14. Stop calling him. Stop texting him. If he wanted you, he’d be there.
OH GOD YES. ok disclaimer first: Drunk texting is something completely different. It’s hilarious in the morning and you have a legit reason as to why you acted like an idiot: You took 20 shots of fireball..obviously.
HERE IS THE TRUTH AND THE RULE: If he wants to hangout with you, he’ll text you, but no guy just wants to “hangout”…. it isn’t in their vocabulary. Oh and god for fucking bid you call him .. DONT CALL HIM .. EVER. You’ll look like a psycho maniac … I mean who actually makes phone calls anymore?
15. Apologize when you’re wrong. Just suck up your pride and do it.
This. Sucks. So. Fucking. Bad. You gotta do what you gotta do sometimes….
Heres a piece of advice though: just don’t be wrong.
16. Bellybutton piercings are a bad idea. As are tattoos.
I can’t really talk. I still have a bellybutton ring & I have ONE tattoo (that I got when my parents went away RIGHT after I turned 18 (Surprise, Surprise) ..really Mom and Dad what did you think was gonna happen?) Piercings can be taken out. Tattoos can’t. Well, you can, but its super expensive and super painful. If your gonna get either one of these on your body just make sure they can be easily hidden, nobody wants to hire somebody who looks like they are in a gang.
17. No one is perfect. Stop being so hard on yourself.
Except for me. Hahaha, just kidding! You will never be perfect, just accept it now. I don’t care if you are Adriana Lima you are not perfect (Ok, I lied…Adriana Lima is perfect) & it’s not normal to be perfect in the first place. It actually sounds quite boring if you ask me…
18. Hug your friends. Cherish them. Hold them tight.
SERIOUSLY! I wish I known this at 18. I mean I had an idea, but after high school you change. Everyone changes. Also, people move…6,000 miles away. This is the last time in your life where everyone is together, in one place, at the same time, and nobody can leave. Well they can, but who wants to pick up and leave everything and everybody your senior year in high school? And with what money? Hug your friends and tell them you love them.
19. Laugh until you cry. Cry until you laugh.
Two of the best feelings ever…
20. Step outside your comfort zone.
When you step outside of your comfort zone you will be the happiest you’ve been in your life. Go sky diving, ask him out on a date, join a club, study abroad, wear something crazy, dye your hair pink. You only have one life why be boring?
21. Order a glass of water with every drink. It’s not lame. It’s smart.
This is true especially when your taking shots of Jose Cuervo…
22. A bad hair day really won’t kill you.
Hmmmm, don’t really know about this one. I mean it won’t kill you OBVIOUSLY. My best advice would be to rock the sock bun & wear a cute outfit. Obvi pick up an ice coffee and throw on some make-up. I promise…you’ll feel better.
23. Dancing on tables should be reserved for special occasions, like birthdays and Thursday nights.
Yes. Yes. Yes. Dance on tables as often as you can for as long as you can. Just make sure you’re not too drunk that you fall down or that your dress isn’t so short that everyone can see what color underwear you’re wearing….
24. Don’t dumb yourself down for a boy.
Who ever said that boys love stupid girls? I don’t think that was ever a real thing. What guy wants to be with a dumb girl you ask? A really dumb guy. Smart is sexy & if he is turned off by this … it’s probably because he’s “really really dumb” (in the words of the bed intruder dude)
25. Ignorance is not bliss. Study. Work hard.
I think this goes without saying. Even though i’m the biggest procrastinator ever!
Bottom line is: if you work hard..you can play harder!
26. Life is hard. Accept this and move on.
Life is never easy. Not even for Kim fucking-ugly-ass Kardashian. When was anything ever easy? If it is easy it’s not even worth it.
27. Don’t sweat the small stuff, but do sweat at the gym. Your health is your everything.
Yeah you look great at 18, but that doesn’t last. Just like your destroyed laguna beach skinny jeans from Hollister. They too will fall apart my friend. If you don’t go to the gym not only will these jeans look shitty and out of style (even though you’ll probably still wear them anyway), but you’ll also have a muffin top. Nobody likes a muffin top … unless it’s a real muffin…from Dunkin’.
28. Tell your parents you love them every chance you get.
The more I told my parents I loved them, the more money they gave me. Just saying….
29. Stop caring so much about what everyone else thinks.
I can sum this up pretty simply: STOP GIVING A FUCK. Period. In five years nobody is going to care anyway, so why care now? Don’t. It’s seriously the biggest energy and time waster ever. Focus on caring about something more important…like what guy your making out with tonight.
30. Forgive. Life is too short to be angry.
You’re either the person who doesn’t hold grudges or the person who holds them for ten fucking years. Here’s a little piece of advice: Forgive, but don’t forget. Especially if that bitch made out with the guy you called dibbs on….
31. You are destined to be more than just someone’s wife. Act like it.
Girls, Girls, Girls….being a housewife isn’t fun. You know what’s fun? Getting a job and making yourself a billionaire. If you find a husband along the way..kudos to you, but you’re not an animal, so don’t let him lock you in a cage. Do something with your life, because being a wife is not “doing something” it’s “being something”….
32. People will hurt you. Don’t stoop to their level.
I’ve written about this before. People love to bring you down to their level, but here’s the fun part. Let them try. Just sit back and laugh at them, you’re better than that anyway.
33. Read a newspaper.
…Online. Don’t buy a newspaper… that is so 1998.
34. Sometimes the only person that you can rely on is yourself.
And that is totally ok. Learn to be independent. If you can’t learn to be independent … Adopt a cat.
35. It’s okay if your thighs touch and your tummy isn’t perfectly toned. You’re still beautiful.
Lets make a disclaimer her first. I like to be brutally honest. It most definitely is ok to have your thighs touch (SERIOUSLY…THIGH GAP? IS THAT A REAL THING?!) and you tummy doesn’t need to be perfectly toned (You’re not a Victoriecret super model, even though we all wish we were), but I will refuse to call you beautiful if your stuffing yourself with taco bell and a bunch of other crap and then cry about how you think your fat. Sorry. I won’t feel bad. You are the reason for your insecurities. Plus, having taco breath is not beautiful.
36. Don’t let your happiness depend on another person.
I’ve learned this the hard way. But really, think about it. Why would you allow someone else to make or break your day? How stupid is that?! Pretty stupid I agree. Nobody likes stupid people. Let your happiness depend on you. You are the only one who can control your emotions, don’t let someone else control them for you.
37. Push yourself. You’d be amazed at what you’re capable of.
This is the main reason I’m even in college. I wanted to give up three years ago, but what makes more sense: Suffering for four years or for the rest of your life? Four years sounds like the better bet. Always push yourself, if you don’t…what is the point of doing anything meaningful at all in life? Again, nothing is ever easy.
38. Smile through the tears.
This is totally cliche and sounds like something in cosmo magazine. Who smiles through their tears. I say spend a whole night bawling your fucking eyes out with all your girlfriends. You’ll feel better in the morning, if not, repeat until you do. Just make sure you don’t eat too much pizza.
39. Don’t slut shame. Girls have it hard enough – don’t turn on one another.
We’re all on the same team girls! Who cares if she fucked him last night? You mad cause you wanted to as well? Well bitch beat you to it…Don’t get mad cause she got some and you didn’t. Onto the next one ….
40. It’s okay to ask for help.
If you don’t ask, you’ll never know. There will always be somebody who is willing to help, even if you don’t expect it….
41. He’ll never change. Let him go.
You can’t teach an old dog new tricks, so why are you wasting your time? In the mean time you could have already found something better, smarter & bigger…
(don’t even….you were all thinking it, I just said it first)
42. Trust your instincts.
If it sounds too good to be true it probably is….like the one time VISA called me and told me I was approved for a new credit card (they go after college students by the way) and then I found out there was a annual fee of 200$….
Yea…about that …..
43. Worrying causes wrinkles and Botox is expensive. Calm down.
So does smoking, tanning, and not sleeping. Get a job and you can afford Botox, but until then chill the fuck out guys.
44. Take pictures. Lots and lots of pictures.
Just don’t be that annoying person that has to take a pic of EVERYTHING. Honestly though, take as many pictures as possible, this way when your older you can reminisce on how skinny and beautiful you were. You will also have proof for your future children that you were stylish and cool at one point. Oh and of course…
Take a ton of pics so you have more options to look through when you choose a #tbt
45. Love with everything you have.
Hmmmm. Don’t take it over the edge, but yeah. Love everything and everybody. It is so much easier to love than it is to hate. Also people don’t like Negative Nancy’s…
46. Put down your phone and look around. Life is happening.
…Or just look around through the camera on your iPhone. Just kidding. Seriously though, these are the best years of your life. Don’t just look at it in pictures. Live your life in real time. That’s what makes an experience. Plus, you can always just tweet about it later anyway…
47. Stand up for yourself.
Personally, I think this is the most important one. If you can’t stand up for your own self, nobody else will either. Don’t be a little bitch. Nobody likes a push over, so stick up and stand up.
48. Confidence is everything.
Girls: Theres a VERY thin line between confidence and cockiness….
Boys: Confidence is totally sexy. If you act like a little bitch, we refer to you as the “little bitch”…
49. Wash your makeup off at night. Seriously. Do it.
….And I’d also like to add to this: Don’t wear so much makeup that you earn the name “cake face” or have people wondering if you work for Crayola.
50. There are bad people in this world. Don’t be one of them.
…Unless you look good in the color orange or black and white stripes.
51. Be honest with yourself.
Honesty is the key when it comes to yourself. You can lie to everyone else, but at the end of the day you are the one who knows the truth.
If you know you fucked up .. own it.
If you know you are awesome..own it.
Just don’t lie to yourself about it.
52. Be honest with others.
….To a certain extent. If your bestfriend gained twenty pounds over winter break, tell her. If your bestfriend’s boyfriend just broke up with her, don’t tell her that he broke up with her because you accidentally hooked up with him the other night. You should eventually tell her that … but over
53. You never need that last shot of vodka, but have it anyway.
Here’s something for your stick in your juice box and suck down: never turn down the last shot. It’s usually what makes you forget that you drunk texted you ex 42 times without him responding once.
54. There is a man out there who will not make you cry. Wait for him.
There is a key to this: Buy expensive mascara and you will never cry over a guy again.
55. Don’t take yourself too seriously.
Oh god yes. People who take themselves too seriously are usually seriously boring. Who likes boring? Your parents and the librarian. I’m sure you don’t plan on being friends with either at 18 years old.
56. Your success will not be handed to you. Work for it.
Nobody is going to apply to college for you, find you an internship, and get you a job. We all have our own responsibilities. Success is much sweeter anyway when you worked your ass off for it …
57. Don’t waste money on expensive mascaras. Great Lash by Maybelline will always be the best.
Reread number 54. Great lash by Maybelline is for basic bitches who don’t know anything about mascara. The falsies is great if your a drug store make-up kinda gal, Guerlain Noir G Mascara is fucking unbelievable if you have the extra cash….or should I say if you have your daddy’s credit card
58. Give back.
When I was younger I didn’t give a shit about anybody and it’s super easy to be selfish, but once I got to college and it was necessary for me volunteer or “give back” I started realizing that it’s fulfilling. I mean really nott everybody has it as good as us. Give something…a can of food, bottled water, maybe if your feeling extra generous: Your designer clothes from last season that you won’t wear again anyway, because you “Already wore that outfit out….”
59. He does not define your self-worth. Stop letting him.
If any guy or girl makes you feel shitty, they are the shitty ones…not you. Dispose of these toxic people quickly and go look at all the pictures on your instgram where you look really really pretty and super skinny. You’ll feel better in no time…
60. Life is uncertain. Tomorrow is not guaranteed; don’t take it for granted.
Exactly. Who knows you may wake up tomorrow and Forever 21 may be bankrupt and closed forever.
I kid, I kid….sort of.
61. Your faith in everything you know will be tested. Push forward.
You may think that you’ve found the one boy left in the world who is faithful to his girlfriend, but then you find out he fucked your best friend. Now you think that all boys are disgusting liars, but move on, push forward..your faith in boys will be restored next weekend when you find the next guy who tells you your beautiful while you throw back a shot …. sorry, not sorry, its only the truth.
62. Be carefree, not careless.
There’s a thin line here. Being carefree is when you don’t care that you look like a slut or a man whore…you got yours and thats what matters. Careless is when you find out you have STD’s.
Know the difference.
63. It’s okay to cry.
..Only if its not expensive mascara. No, but really, its fine to cry but try to do this by yourself, with your best friends, or in front of your parents. Don’t have a breakdown in front of the guy you met at the party or your lab partner. You will look like a emotional wreck and people WILL be scared of you.
64. You will fall, both literally and figuratively. Get back up.
Either way laugh. If you fall literally get a band-aide and get the hell back up! If you fall figuratively theres a band-aide for that as well…Its called wine. It comes in a box. Enjoy!
65. Tequila is a bad idea, as is getting back together with an ex.
Ok, getting back together with an ex is always a bad idea. Tequila is not. Tequila is always a great idea. Unless your with an ex boyfriend drinking tequila…then it is a terrible idea. Just don’t do it….
66. Fad diets never work.
Neither does eating lean cuisine. They’re full of sodium & preservatives. Seriously though, I’m not sure if you’ve ever heard of this place before, but it’s called a gym…you can buy a membership and they let you actually work out and that can help you loose weight! It’s a crazy idea I know, but maybe instead of following the Atkins Diet for the 8th time you should find this “gym” place.
67. Be gracious in all that you do.
What is this 1950? Gracious? I think you should have fun in all that you do. Being 18 is a crazy, nuts, insane, ridiculousness experience that you only live through once. You’ll hate it so much you’ll never want to do it again (even if you had a time machine), but you’ll love it so much you wish you could do it all over again …. just this time knowing what you know now.
Leave me comment or write me an email (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Maybe I will post it next week or use it as some inspiration for a new post!
I’ve had my share of “what I know now…” moments this but but,
I felt this entry was appropriate.
My boyfriend and I were heading up to school on a Friday night to study with one of my friends…
yes you read that right. I was studying…on a Friday.
ONLY because we had plans Saturday night and I wanted to have a good time “guilt-free”…
I had stopped at little corner store in town before we left and grabbed a few lollipops and an energy drink to give myself a severe sugar rush, so I could somehow manage to teach myself all 88 constellations … which by the way is near close to impossible…incase you were wondering.
I started heading out of my town and I happen to glance in my rearview mirror
to see that there’s a police officer behind me…
Now…I don’t know about anyone else, but anytime a cop is following me I feel like I either have one of the following in my car:
a dead body
massive amounts of crack …
So, naturally I get nervous, but my boyfriend reassured me there was no way I was getting pulled over, because I had done NOTHING wrong.
The light turns green
…and the cops lights go on.
FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.
I grab my registration and insurance (the usual stuff they ask for) and wait for the officer to walk up to my car. At this point I’m convinced he must have seen how ridiculously good looking I was (considering he was riding my ass the whole time down the road) and was pulling me over for my telephone number.
The officer walks up to my window and starts his small talk. Anyone under the age of twenty-five should know what I mean what I say this …
Officer: Hey how’s it goin’
Me: uh (awkward) alright I’m just about to go up to school to study…
Now, I guess I should’ve known that probably sounded shady, because what college student studies on a friday? I’ll tell you who…a college student who wants to get wasted Saturday and doesn’t want to spend all day doing homework on a Sunday hung-the-fuck-over.
We’ve all been there, done that, and it’s the equivalent to water torture.
The officer asks if I have any warrants and of course I say no. I’ve never even had a traffic ticket. In my life. EVER. I was pretty positive he was going to write me a little warning with his number on the back with a wink face and a little message that says “call me”…
Small talk police officer struts back to my car and asks me to step out of the vehicle.
… LIKE WHAT?! STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE, FOR WHAT?!
Now at this point I’m thinking, “Shit, I must have a taillight out…”
Now pay attention because this is where things get even more shady
than sitting under an umbrella at the beach…
He brings me on the SIDE of his police car….
They are supposed to bring the person under question in front of the vehicle so that their little video camera can catch everything on tape.
The officer proceeds to tell me, not ASK ME, but tell me that my car smells like “weed”
…and what do I have to say about that?
I just stared at him for a second and said…
“you mean weed as in like something you pull out of your garden right?”
The officer did not find this funny. I mean that is a pretty objective statement. We all have different noses. Personally, I thought my car smelled like Burberry Britt (the best smelling perfume ever), but I digress…
As the conversation with the broken nosed officer continued, a brand new mercedes pulled up and a younger man hopped out. I noticed that he had the same “strut” as the officer in uniform and OF COURSE he introduced himself as an undercover.
Now, at this point I’m not even mad that this is going on. I’m more mad that my parents pay all these ridiculous taxes year after year so that undercover cops can drive around in 2013 Mercedes Benz’s.
The uniformed officer explained to the undercover the “situation” (as they called it)…
The undercover began to tell me that he knew I had “weed” in my car, because he saw me buy a “blunt” at the store I was at earlier (remember the convenience store I stopped at?)
Now, for you “older” generations reading this apparently kids these days buy one of these to roll up a joint..
As I said earlier I had bought a few lollipops and an energy drink and most defiantly not a “blunt”…
So I explain to the undercover and the uniformed officer what was purchased in the store and that
EVEN IF I HAD BOUGHT A BLUNT IS IT ILLEGAL TO PURCHASE TOBACCO NOW?
I wasn’t aware that the laws had changed over night…
By now you all should know… I have a mouth on me and it gets me into trouble from time to time. Both of the nosey officers did not like that so they proceed to explain that they are going to search my car…
NOW HERE’S SOME ISSUES WITH THAT:
1. The officer must ASK to search the vehicle, not demand that your vehicle be searched
but the even bigger issue was …
2. WHERE THE HELL IS THE PROBABLE CAUSE HERE?
So, being that I have nothing to hide… I sign a few papers for the DICK HEAD undercover
(oops sorry didn’t mean to say that)
the paper work had a few statements such as, but not word for word:
1. you may stop the search at anytime
2. anything found in the vehicle you are responsible for
3. and a bunch of crap about finding weapons….
…like come on, do I look like somebody who is carrying around an AK47 in my car? No. Didn’t think so.
He also explained to me that there is a “new” law that was recently put into effect so that if anything illegal is found in my car I can go to jail for months, have my car impounded, and I would be kicked out of college.
Also, I should remind you again that I was with my boyfriend. They had separated us from the beginning, which I understand is typical protocol for a search of a vehicle. Now, my boyfriend has the upper most respect for authority, but when he feels like he’s being violated…he’ll make sure you know that he feels that way. Before my car was searched, being that all the officers present were male they were not able to search me, but they did search my boyfriend… ALL OVER. In places I don’t even want to type … GAG
So as the undercover starts searching my vehicle my boyfriend walks over to me and tells me I’m an idiot for not wearing my seatbelt.
Now…my father got into a horrible car accident when I was younger and almost lost his life due to not wearing a seatbelt, so I ALWAYS wear mine. It’s like automatic as soon as I get into my car.
I NEVER, EVER, EVER drive without my seatbelt on.
At this point I start to realize something isn’t right here… and I can feel a freak out coming on…
So, I start screaming
“STOP THE SEARCH, STOP THE FUCKING SEARCH RIGHT NOW”
The little undercover cop walks (or should I say struts) over with a big smile on his face thinking I was going to admit to something to make his life easier.
I kindly asked “I’m just wondering why did I get pulled over in the first place?”
The undercover literally started stuttering.. “Uh, well, uh, um, you didn’t have your seat belt on…”
You should know when I know I’m right…which I usually am…I will end up making you look dumb…
and he asked for it.
I replied, “No, I had my seatbelt on. I always wear my seatbelt…so that is a lie. You told me you that I was pulled over due to a purchase you “saw” me make”
The obviously corrupt undercover officer argued with me for a few minutes, until my boyfriend chimed in and said “you said that you pulled her over because she wasn’t wearing a seat belt…”
SO OBVIOUSLY SOMEBODY IS LYING HERE…
So I tell the corrupt undercover officer that if he is SO POSITIVE that I didn’t have my seat belt on and since he was SO CLOSE to the store that he saw me purchase a “blunt” then we should take a look at the little video camera in the police car.
the uniformed officer that pulled me over just so happened to not have his camera on
…I agree, pretty convienent given the situation at hand.
I wish I could explain to you what I said next, but I basically blacked out and started screaming about how ridiculous and illegal this situation was…
So, I calmed myself due to the fact that it would be really embarrassing to get arrested for screaming at a police officer. I mean if I am going to get arrested I would’ve liked to had a better story, something with more substance other than me just screaming “liar liar pants on fire” to the officers.
So at this point the corrupt undercover officer SCREAMS at my boyfriend and I to get back in my vehicle…and we’re both just sitting in my car totally clueless as to WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON
As I sat back down in my car I just couldn’t even fathom how unreal this whole situation was…
so naturally…I waited for Ashton Kutcher to come out
… but he didn’t. Instead the uniformed police officer walked up to my window handed me back my belongings and with all seriousness said …
“Next time…just don’t let him search your car”
I WAS GIVEN A CHOICE ASSHOLE.
So, what do I wish I knew then that I know now…
Don’t buy lollipops or soda at a convienience store, certain police officers are obviously blind and can’t tell the difference between tobacco, a piece of candy and a drink….
It was like the Travyon Martin case except that I’m white, a girl, and I didn’t buy skittles…
I bought a lollipop.
Shit. I’m gonna get hate mail for that, but it’s the same type of situation. I was profiled.
Not all cops are good cops. I mean obviously we’ve all heard the stories of the corrupt police officers, but a small amount of them for some reason believe that they are the law of the land. They are there to enforce the law, not make up new versions of the law to trick citizens.
KNOW YOUR RIGHTS!
I can’t stress this enough…If I had known even just a few basic laws
most of this situation wouldn’t have happened…
I mean at the very least…watch Legally Blonde and learn some shit