#TBH I’m surprised I even made it this far …
Raise your glass & share a toast!
Twenty-four means you’ve started a defining decade in your life.
This era of your “early twenties” was summed up perfectly
by one neurologist as:
“A time of great risk and great opportunity”
Basically, you’re young enough to stay selfish,
but old enough to know better…The following are the five things I’ve sort’ve figured out …
1. What is Life?
This really only applies to people who aren’t boring.
If you are one of those boring individuals:
It was really great to see forty notifications on LinkedIn about your latest promotion (Because we care?)
& OH, I ALMOST FORGOT! Congrats on the updated Facebook relationship status!
I’m sure you and your cat will be very happy together….
If you are NOT one of those boring individuals:
You’ll begin to start questioning life right after you turn twenty-one. It will blindside you on a random Wednesday & you’ll think back to when you read this and say, “Shit. She was right…” Yeah, well guess what? I’m always right.
There will be bills you must pay, obligations must keep & decisions you must make.
WORDS OF ADVICE: Verizon, Comcast, AMEX, nor Visa….
Will give two, three, or even four shits…that you “HAD TO HAVE” the new Google Glass…
Sort’ve like when you were little and your mom would threaten you with,
“If you break it, you buy it”
Here is the adult version your mother never happened to mention:
“If you charge it, YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR IT LATER”
There are also these things called: APR, Interest, & Late Fee’s… Just as they sound, they are no fun.
Things may seem like they are starting to make sense .. and then they don’t & shit gets even more confusing than it was in the first place. Around this same time you’ll probably start to wonder about your character, morals & beliefs:
“What am I doing with my life?”
“Is this wrong?”
and even more importantly …
“Is Starbucks REALLY better than Dunkin?”
It gets better. Well, at least I hope it does. If I figure it out before you — I’ll make sure to mention it..
2. “AAAAAAND SHE’S PREGNANT…”
In the blink of an eye you’ll go from uploading pictures of you & your 8 million “best friends” …
…To unfollowing those exact same people five years later. Mostly due to the fact that they posted 40 pictures IN A ROW of their newborn, alien baby & they continuously feel the need to use the hashtag “#babymama” like it’s a good thing…
Oh, and don’t even get me started on all the engagements. Maybe it’s just me, but I’d rather wait until my fiancé can afford the ring I want, than him surprising me with a princess-cut cubic zirconia “diamond” from Walmart. I see this sad and unfortunate scenario play out daily as I scroll down my Instagram feed…
… and then I scroll back up to delete you.
If your engagement ring is that tacky, I do NOT want to see what the wedding will look like…
3. “Help Me, I’m Poor!”
If you have your shit together, you’re probably out of college by now, working your first job, getting paid like shit & still eating Ramon noodles. This may be where you return back to #1 (What is Life?) and ask yourself how did four years of suffering result in becoming more poor than you were to begin with?
You’re so poor even the bank even feels the need to remind you. Not only are you completely broke, but the NOTHING somehow turns into something…
“Hello, Welcome to Wells Fargo Bank. Just to let you know you’re -23.00 in your checking. How would you like to fix this?”
Yes, I know. I am very well aware, considering you feel the need to remind me by sending out a letter everyday. Maybe if you would stop sending me mail we could call it even on the $23.00.
I’d save you a fortune on ink, envelopes, and postage.
You may tell yourself, “No, No, No… that ‘s only people who don’t watch their finances!”
Yeah? Really? I watch mine…
I watch mine disappear….right on over to Sallie Mae.
4. The Holy Hell of Hangovers…
I swear my body knew when I turned twenty-four. I drank my face off, did some fucked up – reckless shit, woke up the next morning & legit had the worst hangover of my life. I’m not just talking about my head or my stomach…I’m talking about my whole body. It was crying, whimpering & sulking… I should’ve responded back with: “the hospital…”
5. “What’s an Encyclopedia?”
Yes. That was a serious question a girl asked in my class.
The course largely consists of underclassmen, who were born in or around 1995-1996, but grew up in the new millennium. Of course, I did as well, but I also REMEMBER things from the 90’s…like what life was like before Wikipedia…
I feel like this is the appropriate time to pay my respects to Google, Wikipedia, and the like, for making life a whole lot easier, but even more importantly…
“Yahoo Answers,” the single, most important reason I’m still in college & still passing.
At the very sound of my professor saying the word, “Encyclopedia”, half the class looked even more puzzled than a baby recognizing its own foot for the first time…
Although, I don’t think any story I tell you can beat the freshman girl who was completely beside herself as I explained how Justin Timberlake had been in a boy band & wore a matching denim outfit with Britney before he wore a matching suite & tie with Jay-Z
So, twenty-four should be interesting. I mean, shit, the past 24 hours I have been pretttttty interesting.
I don’t know what the hell is going to happen with my life. At the rate I’m going I could either wake up tomorrow morning as Beyonce…
…Or I could wake up as Lindsay Lohan.
If I get to choose, it would be LL circa 2004…
Those were the pre-drug-fueled-ankle-bracelet-wearing days.