LAST DAY OF COLLEGE

i love college

It’s been awhile. I know. Whatever. Get over it.

I havent slept in 3 days… I think it’s Wednesday?

Today is my last college class. EVER.

Yup — I actually pulled this shit show off.

Ok. I need to study or some shit I guess

What I Know Now…Laws In America

I’ve had my share of “what I know now…” moments this but but,

Being that it is election week…

merica

I felt this entry was appropriate.

My boyfriend and I were heading up to school on a Friday night to study with one of my friends…

yes you read that right. I was studying…on a Friday.

ONLY because we had plans Saturday night and I wanted to have a good time “guilt-free”…

I had stopped at little corner store in town before we left and grabbed a few lollipops and an energy drink to give myself a severe sugar rush, so I could somehow manage to teach myself all 88 constellationswhich by the way is near close to impossible…incase you were wondering.

I started heading out of my town and I happen to glance in my rearview mirror

to see that there’s a police officer behind me…

Now…I don’t know about anyone else, but anytime a cop is following me I feel like I either have one of the following in my car:

a dead body

or

massive amounts of crack …

So, naturally I get nervous, but my boyfriend reassured me there was no way I was getting pulled over, because I had done NOTHING wrong.

The light turns green

…and the cops lights go on.

FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.

I grab my registration and insurance (the usual stuff they ask for) and wait for the officer to walk up to my car. At this point I’m convinced he must have seen how ridiculously good looking I was (considering he was riding my ass the whole time down the road)  and was pulling me over for my telephone number.

zoolander

The officer walks up to my window and starts his  small talk. Anyone under the age of twenty-five should know what I mean what I say this …

Officer: Hey how’s it goin’

Me: uh (awkward) alright I’m just about to go up to school to study…

Now, I guess I should’ve known that probably sounded shady, because what college student studies on a friday? I’ll tell you who…a college student who wants to get wasted Saturday and doesn’t want to spend all day doing homework on a Sunday hung-the-fuck-over.

We’ve all been there, done that, and it’s the equivalent to water torture. 

ANYWAY.

The officer asks if I have any warrants and of course I say no. I’ve never even had a traffic ticket. In my life. EVER. I was pretty positive he was going to write me a little warning with his number on the back with a wink face and a little message that says “call me”…

well, well well, that was not the case…

Small talk police officer struts back to my car and asks me to step out of the vehicle.

… LIKE WHAT?! STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE, FOR WHAT?!

Now at this point I’m thinking, “Shit, I must have a taillight out…”

Now pay attention because this is where things get even more shady

than sitting under an umbrella at the beach…

He brings me on the SIDE of his police car….

They are supposed to bring the person under question in front of the vehicle so that their little video camera can catch everything on tape.

The officer proceeds to tell me, not ASK ME, but tell me that my car smells like “weed”

…and what do I have to say about that?

question

I just stared at him for a second and said…

“you mean weed as in like something you pull out of your garden right?”

The officer did not find this funny. I mean that is a pretty objective statement. We all have different noses. Personally, I thought my car smelled like Burberry Britt (the best smelling perfume ever), but I digress…

Now this is where I need to make my disclaimer:

THERE WAS NO “WEED”, “POT”, “MARYJANE”, “GRASS”, “KUSH”, WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT TO CALL IT IN MY VEHICLE. 

As the conversation with the broken nosed officer continued, a brand new mercedes pulled up and a younger man hopped out. I noticed that he had the same “strut” as the officer in uniform and OF COURSE he introduced himself as an undercover.

Now, at this point I’m not even mad that this is going on. I’m more mad that my parents pay all these ridiculous taxes year after year so that undercover cops can drive around in 2013 Mercedes Benz’s.

Like, Seriously?

The uniformed officer explained to the undercover the “situation” (as they called it)…

The undercover began to tell me that he knew I had “weed” in my car, because he saw me buy a “blunt” at the store I was at earlier (remember the convenience store I stopped at?)

Now, for you “older” generations reading this apparently kids these days buy one of these to roll up a joint..

whiteowl

ANYWAY…

As I said earlier I had bought a few lollipops and an energy drink and most defiantly not a “blunt”…

So I explain to the undercover and the uniformed officer what was purchased in the store and that

EVEN IF I HAD BOUGHT A BLUNT IS IT ILLEGAL TO PURCHASE TOBACCO NOW?

 I wasn’t aware that the laws had changed over night…

By now you all should know… I have a mouth on me and it gets me into trouble from time to time. Both of the nosey officers did not like that so they proceed to explain that they are going to search my car…

NOW HERE’S SOME ISSUES WITH THAT:

1. The officer must ASK to search the vehicle, not demand that your vehicle be searched

but the even bigger issue was …

2. WHERE THE HELL IS THE PROBABLE CAUSE HERE?

illegal

So, being that I have nothing to hide… I  sign a few papers for the DICK HEAD undercover

(oops sorry didn’t mean to say that) 

 the paper work had a few statements such as, but not word for word:

1. you may stop the search at anytime

2. anything found in the vehicle you are responsible for

3. and a bunch of crap about finding weapons….

…like come on, do I look like somebody who is carrying around an AK47 in my car? No. Didn’t think so.

He also explained to me that there is a “new” law that was recently put into effect so that if anything illegal is found in my car I can go to jail for months, have my car impounded, and I would be kicked out of college.

Ummmmm….ya, that law doesn’t even exist. 

Also, I should remind you again that I was with my boyfriend. They had separated us from the beginning, which I understand is typical protocol for a search of a vehicle. Now, my boyfriend has the upper most respect for authority, but when he feels like he’s being violated…he’ll make sure you know that he feels that way. Before my car was searched, being that all the officers present were male they were not able to search me, but they did search my boyfriend… ALL OVER. In places I don’t even want to type … GAG

So as the undercover starts searching my vehicle my boyfriend walks over to me and tells me I’m an idiot for not wearing my seatbelt.

WAIT.

PAUSE.

WHAT?!

Now…my father got into a horrible car accident when I was younger and almost lost his life due to not wearing  a seatbelt, so I ALWAYS wear mine. It’s like automatic as soon as I get into my car.

I NEVER, EVER, EVER drive without my seatbelt on.

At this point I start to realize something isn’t right here… and I can feel a freak out coming on…

emmastone

So, I start screaming

“STOP THE SEARCH, STOP THE FUCKING SEARCH RIGHT NOW”

The little undercover cop walks (or should I say struts) over with a big smile on his face thinking I was going to admit to something to make his life easier.

WRONG SIR.

I kindly asked “I’m just wondering why did I get pulled over in the first place?”

The undercover literally started stuttering.. “Uh, well, uh, um, you didn’t have your seat belt on…”

You should know when I know I’m right…which I usually am…I will end up making you look dumb…

and he asked for it.

I replied, “No, I had my seatbelt on. I always wear my seatbelt…so that is a lie. You told me you that I was pulled over due to a purchase you “saw” me make”

The obviously corrupt undercover officer argued with me for a few minutes, until my boyfriend chimed in and said “you said that you pulled her over because she wasn’t wearing a seat belt…”

SO OBVIOUSLY SOMEBODY IS LYING HERE…

So I tell the corrupt undercover officer that if he is SO POSITIVE that I didn’t have my seat belt on and since he was SO CLOSE to the store that he saw me purchase a “blunt” then we should take a look at the little video camera in the police car.

Well surprise, surprise…

the uniformed officer that pulled me over just so happened to not have his camera on

…I agree, pretty convienent given the situation at hand.

I wish I could explain to you what I said next, but I basically blacked out and started screaming about how ridiculous and illegal this situation was…

keepcalm

So, I calmed myself due to the fact that it would be really embarrassing to get arrested for screaming at a police officer. I mean if I am going to get arrested I would’ve liked to had a better story, something with more substance other than me just screaming “liar liar pants on fire” to the officers.

So at this point the corrupt undercover officer SCREAMS at my boyfriend and I to get back in my vehicle…and we’re both just sitting in my car totally clueless as to WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON

As I sat back down in my car I just couldn’t even fathom how unreal this whole situation was…

so naturally…I waited for Ashton Kutcher to come out

punkd

… but he didn’t. Instead the uniformed police officer walked up to my window handed me back my belongings and with all seriousness said …

“Next time…just don’t let him search your car”

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I WAS GIVEN A CHOICE ASSHOLE.

So, what do I wish I knew then that I know now…

I Know Now…

Don’t buy lollipops or soda at a convienience store, certain police officers are obviously blind and can’t tell the difference between tobacco, a piece of candy and a drink….

It was like the Travyon Martin case except that I’m white, a girl, and I didn’t buy skittles…

I bought a lollipop.

Shit. I’m gonna get hate mail for that, but it’s the same type of situation. I was profiled. 

I Know Now…

Not all cops are good cops. I mean obviously we’ve all heard the stories of the corrupt police officers, but a small amount of them for some reason believe that they are the law of the land. They are there to enforce the law, not make up new versions of the law to trick citizens.

I Know Now…

KNOW YOUR RIGHTS!

I can’t stress this enough…If I had known even just a few basic laws

most of this situation wouldn’t have happened…

I mean at the very least…watch Legally Blonde and learn some shit

legally blonde

What I Know Now…Vroom Vroom…Boom Boom.

Ok, so being that it is midterms week, I haven’t really had a “What I Know Now…” moment other than I wish I knew last week that I should go into hibernation and get as much sleep as possible or else this is what you’ll end up looking like at the end of exam week…

Photo on 9-25-13 at 9.38 PM

…I swear I don’t smoke crack (but I’m obviously loosing my mind for sharing this picture with all of you)! My eyes are as red as the devils dick, because I haven’t slept in 48 hours due to the massive amount of studying that HAD to be done. I had THREE exams in ONE day all within FOUR hours of each other. Slow. Fucking. Torture.

ANYWAY…

With this allllllllll being said, I pondered my beautiful little brain and thought to myself, “What’s one really rediculous thing that you wish you knew then that you know now” and then it hit me…just like my car hit the dust…or is it bit the dust? Whatever. Either way…

It was 2008 I had just gotten into a pretty nasty car accident in my VERY FIRST CAR. Ugh. It was totally upsetting and I felt like I had lost my first born, but my father (who is a damn saint) made sure his princess had something to drive around in.

eclipse

Now, now, now, don’t make fun. This was back in 2008 and this was still a pretty decent car. I drove all over the place in this bad boy and I *sniff, sniff* don’t want to get emotional so lets just get on with the story…

I had a friend who lived up in North Philadelphia and he would  throw insane parties & a lot of legal shit went on. LIke duh, this was NORTH PHILLY HELLO. Yet, it was always a crazy ass time. So, one night we find out my friend is throwing one of his famous parties and I promised to drive down with my good friend Theresa if we could stay the night. (No, I wasn’t sleeping with him. Ew! I’m just not going to get wasted and drive duh…). The plans work out and everything is set…

or so I thought…

Theresa meets me at my house later that night we get all slutified up

(I mean lets be honest, we were eighteen…EVERY GIRL DOES THIS)

We get ready to leave…half dressed of course, hop in my car, and this weird light comes on….

oil

Now, I should make a disclaimer here: I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT CARS…just like the 99% of other eighteen year old girls. My dad would take my car to get it registered, tires, inspected, oil, gas…basically everything, so I didn’t really think twice about the light.

I just figured that the Genie from Aladdin was coming to the party with us that night.

The Genie might be a good time..who knows?

I’m sure we had some ridiculous hardcore mainstream rap music blaring from my car as we flew down route 42. I start heading towards the Ben Franklin Bridge and my car starts making weird noises. I figured Genie was coming alive! It was a hilarious joke to me that my car was making noises…this was obviously before I realized that when you car is making noises like that your about to be

 $ ONE BROKE BITCH $

We pull up the toll and I begin to accelerate. As I accelerate I can see that my speedometer that tracks my gears shifting (I have no idea if there is an actual name for that part of a car, but again, I know nothing about cars) is going totally crazy. All the sudden….

POP

BOOM

BOOM

BOOOOOOOOM

Smoke was going up trailing behind me….I’m screaming like I’m being chased by a mass murder! Thank baby Jesus for the laws of motion, because I was just enough over the bridge that we just glided the rest of the way down where I somehow got us off at the first exit.

We sit. In silence. I scream…“WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK.” I really wasn’t pissed about my car. I was more or so pissed that I was missing a great party with a ton of cute guys and free drinks. Remember, I was selfish…I was eighteen.  Then again, if this was today I would still probably be pissed, but I’d be pissed about the party AND the car. Remember, I’m still sort’ve selfish, I’m twenty-three.

Immediately, we start thinking of how we are going to get my car back to life or who is going to pick us up to take us the party. THIS IS WHERE SHIT GETS WEIRD. Theresa has an older sister, MIchelle, who we believed would pick us up without telling our parents where we were or what happened to my car. She grabs her phone and apparently dials her number, but we soon find out she accidentally calls our friend Stef. …”M” and “S” are obviously in completely polar opposite  sections of the phonebook, so I’m not quite sure how Theresa managed to do that, but being the damsels in distress that we were, Theresa quickly tells Stef about what happen to us and conversation went something like this…

Theresa: “OH MA GAWD STEF! You’re like never going to understand what happened to us..”

Now I should tell you that Theresa and I grew up together and we were always getting into ridiculous and hilarious situations. This time it was pretty ridiculous, but not so hilarious.

“We’re in Taylor’s car and it like totally broke down on the Ben Franklin Bridge and we pulled off at the first exit and —-“

*Stef’s rambling…*

“OH MA GAWDD SHUT UP! SHUT UP! ARE YOU SERIOUS!?”

Being that the phone was not on speaker and I only hear the one side of the phone, (Theresa’s side), I start freaking the fuck out. Obviously what happened was that somebody planted a Genie bomb in my car to make it blow up and Stef knew about it and didn’t tell us. I imagined it would’ve looked something like this under my hood:

lamp

The only thing that kept me from thinking it wasn’t a Genie bomb was that I didn’t hear Robin Williams voice or see a magic carpet ready to save me and bring me to the party. Shit! I would’ve been a pretty     hot Jasmine…blonde hair, blue eyes…Really I wouldn’t look anything like Jasmine,

but bitches love carpet rides. 

carpetride

Even Aladdin knows whats up … 

Oh right…there’s like supposed to be a point to this story. So FINALLY Theresa gets off the phone with Stef and she bursts out that Stef is on her way over the bridge and “HOW CRAZY NUTS IS THAT…BECAUSE WE’RE LIKE SITTING HERE…AND I ACCIDENTALLY CALLED HER…AND OH MY GOD LIKE HERE SHE IS RIGHT FFFINGGG NOW!”  

Obviously I didn’t share the same enthusiasm as Theresa over Stef showing up. I really didn’t care. Stef wasn’t going to fix my car. She was going to take us to the party. This was my dilemma: Go to the party and leave my car here OR figure out how to fix my car and then go to the party.

Stef drives up right next to my broken down batmobile and I plead her to take me to the gas station. I had figured out that the little “Genie Light” means your car is out of/running low on oil and being that my car basically exploded..I figured it was OUT of oil. How hard could putting oil into your car be?              I saw Megan Fox do it in a movie once.

 megan fox

Well OBVIOUSLY Megan Fox is slammin’ hot

AND a DAMN GENIUS.

Putting anything in your car is hard, but when you open up the hood of your car theres close to five million things that can probably kill you if your not careful…so, its not easy as little miss thing up there makes it look.

So touche Megan Fox, touche. 

I could tell that Stef was going to leave us and being that it was December and I couldn’t turn my car on, I decided to submit to my last resort. I called AAA. I don’t necessarily hate AAA, but every time I call them my night ends up ruined, mostly because they take close to TWENTY YEARS to get to your location. So naturally we wait, and wait, and wait, and wait, and wait. Finally…. this poor unfortunate soul shows up and takes a look at my poor-blown-up-genie-out-of-the-lamp-car and announces that it’s basically dead. I shed a tear, or two….but no more than two. I was kind of over this car by this point anyway  (Remember, I’m eighteen and selfish).

The AAA driver loads my car onto his truck and asks us if we need a ride home. Unfortunately, I had to grab a ride with what appeared to be an ex-con AAA driver, because Stef left us to go to the party…I would’ve too (there was free beer remember?), so I can’t be too harsh about it. My mother always told me not to get into a car with strangers, but obviously I had no choice. I began my journey on the most awkward ride home in my life. Finally we show up on my street and I ask the driver to drop my car off across the street…

GOD FORBID MY FATHER FINDS OUT ITS BROKEN

BEFORE I TELL HIM. 

I honestly don’t remember the story that I told my dad, but I’m sure I made up something ridiculous  about how somebody blew up my car with a bomb. That probably was the actual story. My father is going to read this and he’ll probably call me and tell me that he knew the whole time…even though he didn’t. He thinks he’s an FBI agent or something. 

So, What do I wish I knew then that I know now…

I wish I knew…

to tell my dad the first time I ever saw that light turn on. The also goes for brakes and transmission, but thats another story. I didn’t mention this, but the light had been on prior to this sad day for about two weeks. Ok, now my dad is really going to kill me when he reads this. 

I wish I knew…

that you shouldn’t drive if your drinking even if you have a place to stay. THIS IS A GIRL CODE! If you have friends, somebody will come pick you up. Having a car at a party means you either can’t drink and have a great time or you have to worry about the responsibilities that come along with that car even if your not driving (ex: getting your car towed or making sure it doesn’t blow up).

I wish I knew…

not to picture Megan Fox as I’m putting oil in my car, because you’ll try to whip your hair back trying to mimic being all sexy like her and you’ll get your hair in oil.

OIL DOES NOT COME OUT OF YOUR HAIR EASILY PEOPLE

AND THE SHAMPOO I USE IS NOT CHEAP!

I wish I knew…

that this would be a memory I would talk about for the next few years and laugh hysterically over. Sometimes you’re so caught up in life’s little road blocks it sends you that you forget to look around and just laugh at the hand you’ve been dealt. I had so many things to crack up about this night and instead I had my bitch face on the whole night just because I was going to miss party. There would be tons of other parties, but not another time that my car blew up on the bridge. Sometimes you just have to stop taking life so seriously because….

laugh