So. This is a good one…Take my word for it.
A few years ago I had these neighbors. These are the type of neighbors you don’t really know too well, but you say hi when you both awkwardly walk down to your mailboxes at the end of your driveways at the same time and run into each other. Those types of neighbors.
One beautiful summer afternoon as I was cleaning my house while my parents were at work
AKA: As I was throwing back shots of Jose Cuervo with my friends by the pool while my parents were at work
I randomly hear my doorbell ring. Naturally, I get nervous and think it’s one of two things:
A kidnapper
or
The police.
Every pretty girl thinks the same thing when she’s home alone and the door bell rings. You’re afraid that since you obviously weren’t beaten with the ugly stick it could be a crazy person coming to lock you in his basement for thirty years or you think it could be the police, because remember that shit that happened two years ago that nobody fucking remembers, but you think up five million scenarios in your head on how the police somehow know? Yeah. Think about this next time this happens to you girls. You’ll see I’m right. I’m always right.
Well now that I proved that point, it was neither.
I opened up the door in a sweat shirt and sweat pants (AKA in a bikini with a drink in my hand) and see my mailbox neighbors. Awkward. I held the door open just enough to pop my head out, because they don’t seem like the type of people you want to let in your house mostly because the wife had her pet bunny rabbit in her arms. She would carry it around frequently and it sort’ve freaked me out. The wife handed me some cookies (I’m guessing as some peace offering, doesn’t she know cookies have carbs? Not a great way to make friends lady…) and she began to tell me some story that I’m sure I cared about for two seconds, but I started sucking down the rest of my drink halfway through, since she got boring pretty quickly. Naturally, this led me to forget much of our conversation, which I didn’t mind, because I vaguely remembered her glorifying her pet bunny rabbit.
Two days later I was outside basking in the sun’s glorious rays trying to obtain my perfect golden tan, when I heard my dog run up next to my towel. It was my job to watch her during the day and I frequently left the gate open for her to run around so she could explore without the restraints of a fence. I sat up and realized that she had something gripped in her mouth. Rikki was always trying to get me to throw shit across the yard for her to chase. It was exhausting and I was obviously busy. The perfect tan takes handwork and patience. I told her to spit it out and I quickly noticed that it didn’t look like a toy.
IT WAS A FUCKING RABBIT.
MY NEIGHBORS FUCKING RABBIT.
Yes, this really is my life.
Obviously, I freaked out. I wasn’t sure if I should clean it off and return it to the cage in their backyard or pretend to tell them that I tried to rescue it as it got hit by a car from escaping its cage. Really…who would tell the truth about this? Nobody. Don’t lie. You can’t turn your dog in. It’s man’s bestfriend.
So naturally, I decided to do the more fucked up thing.
Yeah. I cleaned the rabbit off. So what? I wasn’t totally in the right mindset. Everyone know’s what this feels like. It’s that feeling when you know that shit is about to hit the fan and if you don’t do some fucked up shit to fix it…your ass is the one that’s on the line.
I walked over to my neighbors house and snuck into the backyard where the cage was. I slid the rabbit back into it’s shitty home (who leaves a rabbit outside?) and I ran back home to pretend like it was a dream similar to Alice in Wonderland. Except that this white rabbit probably wishes it was late for a very important date…with my dogs mouth.
A few days later I woke up and walked down to my driveway to grab the mail. I was waiting for a package with a bunch of overpriced items that I bought with my dad’s credit card and I wanted to make sure he didn’t find it before I did. Even before I could notice, my neighbor conveniently happened to start walking towards her mailbox as well. We both made eye contact and she waved. White flag. I immediately knew she had no idea that I was an accessory in the death of her precious rabbit. She grabbed her mail and I saw her glance my way once again. I could tell she wanted to come over and start some pointless conversation with me and unfortunatley I didn’t have a drink in my hand this time. She started off with some pointless small talk, but quickly began to tell me how depressed and upset she had been over the past two days. Like I care. She continues blabbering on about how her husband doesn’t believe her and how the rabbit was dead earlier in the week.
PAUSE LADY. WHAT DID JUST SAY ABOUT THE RABBIT?
I tell her to calm the fuck down and that I’m here for her,
but to tell me exactly what happened from the beginning.
DISCLAIMER: ONLY CONTINUE READING IF YOU’RE IN A PLACE WHERE YOU CAN SCREAM
“OH MY GOD ARE FUCKING SERIOUS? IS THAT REAL?!”
She beings to tell me that her beloved bunny rabbit had passed away “naturally thank god, because I don’t think I could deal with the fact if he went any other way.” I got every detail about how she buried it in the backyard, but a few days ago when she decided it was time to clean out the cage she was surprised to find the rabbit back…in it’s cage…after being buried…in the ground.
It hit me immediately and I realized two things:
I wasn’t an accessory to the murder of her rabbit
and
I am one fucked up person.
The rabbit had actually died naturally with its owner a few days before my dog Rikki had found it. My neighbor buried the rabbit in their backyard where my dog would frequently run around during the day when I would open the gate. Since I had more important things to do than watch my dog like my parents would tell me to do, I never noticed if she was getting into something…like a buried bunny. My dog had dug up the already dead rabbit up and delivered it to me (what a nice gift, don’t ya think?) and being that I was unaware of the rabbits first death I had cleaned it off and returned it to it’s cage. When my neighbor came to grips with reality and decided that she needed to clean the cage … she found the rabbit back … in its cage … after it had already been buried.
So my neighbor now believes that her bunny rabbit is some sort of spiritual animal, because what type of living thing dies and then comes back to life? The only other time I’ve heard of this happening is in this fairy tale book called the Bible where some guy apparently crawls out of a cave and comes back to life. Sounds legit….
I told you this was a good one.
So what do I know now that I wish I knew then …
LIE IF YOU MUST.
There are certain situations in life where you have no choice but to lie. If I would’ve told my neighbors the truth about how my dog had dug their dead rabbit….I’m pretty sure that wouldn’t have gone to well.
LISTEN TO YOUR PARENTS
My one job while my parents were at work was to watch the damn dog. If I would have done this correctly I wouldn’t have a neighbor who now thinks her rabbit is the second coming of Christ in animal form.
PRACTICE YOUR SURPRISE FACE
This is like an art. There are going to be things that happen in your life where you already know the truth, but you can’t let anyone else know that you know. So this is where your surprise face comes into play. Practice makes perfect and it needs to be perfect or else you won’t pull it off. This way the next time you do some fucked up shit on the down low and somebody mentions it to you … you can kill it with the surprise face and maybe even add a “OH MY GOD I can’t believe that” just to make it extra reassuring that you had no part in that situation, even though you totally did..or did you?
What do you wish you knew
then that you know now?
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