Strong, Like a Shot of Whiskey

This story starts just like any other: I was thirteen and my first boyfriend broke up with me, because I “came on too strong.” Tears rolled down my hot, red, cheeks, as my mother consoled me and explained, that one day, some man would love this quality in me — Just how my father had with her. Naturally, thirteen year-old me, cried harder, because, well, isn’t that what mothers are supposed to say?

***

Over the past year, I’ve had to deal with not one, but two, pretty significant and life altering break-up’s. Both the men and the situations taught me a great deal, but this isn’t about me bashing them — It’s about what I’ve learned along the way. I enjoy sharing “lessons learned” and this time around, I feel what I know now, should be shared with as many people as it can possibly reach and maybe, just maybe, I’ll help another young girl who’s crying in her bed, late at night, because she feels… well, for the lack of better words, worthless.

Not to toot my own horn, but I don’t know another way to say it: I was blessed with a pretty face, beautiful hair, big blue eyes, etc, etc..

  

That’s me on my first day of high school — 2004

As a teenager, I was friends with the boys, but never really attracted many of them. They always told me, my personality was “too much to handle.

To clarify their statements, I will admit, I’m very outspoken and energetic. Even when it comes to friends, I am a very passionate and caring person, so I guess, that scared certain (almost all) guys away. Even up until my early college days, I always felt that I was just a pretty face. I never felt that guys took me seriously and when they did, my “strong” personality scared them away.

Within the past year, I have had two of the best relationships in my life, end. The first, was a long-term. After almost five years of dating, I chose to break things off and I immediately jumped into relationship number two — which lasted for less than a year. In the second relationship, we went through a series of breakups, but in the end, he broke up with me. Both of these ended terribly. I spent hours, days, and weeks, crying over the guys who were, ironically, no longer part of my life. I analyzed old text messages, viewed old photos, watched sad Lifetime movies… You know, typical girl sh*t. Then, about 2 weeks ago, I got into a terrible car accident that changed my life.

  

I suffered traumatic injuries: A punctured lung, broken nose, fractured skull, as well as fractures in several parts of my face, including behind my eye, a concussion, and the worst — my brain was bleeding. I woke up three days after the accident and couldn’t recall a single thing. Actually, I still don’t know what caused me to lose control of the car that night, but it definitely changed my outlook on life, especially in regards to the recent breakups, which I had still been suffering through up until the night of the accident.

I realized that had I, God-forbid, not made it out of the hospital alive, I would’ve passed away with bad blood. As I said, things ended badly with both relationships and many things went left unsaid or things were said, but out of anger. I realized that first, I wanted to reach out to bother the guys, letting them know I was alright. I wanted to, at the least, try to form a friendship with them both. To my surprise, one came to visit me in the hospital and we had the chance to REALLY talk. Mind you, I was heavily medicated, but it was sweet of him to listen and visit me, before I had even asked!

Although it took something horrific, I learned that sometimes people come into your life not to stay, but to teach you lessons — With the two guys in my story, maybe they came into my life to teach me what I want and what I don’t want, who knows? It’s too early to tell. Yet, I know they both taught me a lot about myself.

I learned that I needed to respect myself. I found myself consistently doing things for their happiness and not mine, yet I refused to admit I wasn’t happy… because I wasn’t. I love making others happy. It’s something that makes me smile. Although, I never seemed to get that in return, so I found that I wasn’t happy, because I was not giving myself the level of respect that I needed.

Not too long ago, I read a cheesy quote before that said something like:

You’ll receive the type of love that you think you deserve.


I think the same is true with respect. You will get the level of respect that you believe you deserve. It’s all about how you carry yourself and actions will ALWAYS speak louder than words, especially when it comes to relationships.

I consistently felt like I was changing myself to be who, both guys wanted me to be: Quiet, submissive, passive, etc.. None of that is me. I come on “too strong” and honestly, I’d much rather be thought of that way than the other.

I realized I don’t want to change for anyone anymore. I want to be Taylor. I had always been confident in who I was, so why had I let two guys, who were no longer in my life, rob me of that? 

Because I couldn’t accept that things were over. 

I needed to let go.

When I woke up in that hospital bed I was overcome with happiness to be alive and that was enough for me. I didn’t need any guy to do that for me. I realized I was able to do it all on my own. I decide that each morning, when I wake up and each night, when I lay down to sleep. No longer, do I wake up crying or fall asleep with tears running down my face. I smile, because I made it through another day — one more day that I can say I was alive.

One of the guys has walked back into my life and we will always have a relationship. He is somebody I hold very dear to my heart and I’m glad we had the chance to grow closer again. I didn’t hold it against either of them, when I offered friendship, if their response was no. Just as I have to respect myself, I have to also respect others.

Even though it took this horrific accident to make me really understand what it means when people say, “life is too short,” it also made me come to the conclusion, I should never cut people out. I will always welcome an invitation from others, who are kind, to be friends. You can never have enough friends, because never know when you might lose one. As I explained earlier, my belief: People are put in our lives for plenty of reasons, so why not fill your life with as many friends as you can to have them teach you as much as humanly possibly — be that good or bad — It’s all a lesson to learn.

Recently, I have had not one, but two men, tell me how they love that I “come on strong” and they enjoy my passionate personality — even when it comes to friendship. It made me a little emotional to hear both of them say this, because I’ve waited since I was thirteen: When my mom told me, as I cried into her shoulder, some day, some man, will love this quality about me and look at that — Two men told me, just that, within the past week!

Mothers are always right.

10 Things Sex and the City has Taught Me…

Sex, cocktails, and shoes….yup, were talking Sex and the City. You cannot deny that you have not seen at least one episode, and there is obviously something that keeps us watching those re-runs. As a twenty- something year old, I can easily relate to the lives of Carrie, Miranda, Samantha, and Charlotte. Not only do I think that they’re smart, sassy, and a little smart-assy…
But I’m positive every girl would agree…these women are GENIUS.

1. Chicks before dicks

Let’s be honest here, we all fall into that puppy love, goo goo gaa gaa state over some guy and totally put our friends on the back burner of life. After spending days, weeks, months, or even years with a guy, there’s a possibility you might run into that “oh shit” moment when the clock strikes midnight, and the man you thought was prince charming turns out to be the biggest tool you have ever met. Times like these are when we need our friends…

girlfriends

Guys will come and go, but your girlfriends will always be there for you.

2. Buy the damn shoes

Hell yea, I love a good pair of shoes, who doesn’t? Life is too short to live without a great pair of pumps…. you’ll not only look like you know the rules of feminism, but you’ll be a few inches above everybody .. literally and figuratively. When it comes to shoes, cost is never a concern. Do you think the designers at Manolo Blahnik say to themselves while designing their latest creation, “Oh, we’re going to have to use cheaper material, there are women who won’t be able to afford these…” FUCK NO. They reason like the rest of women in thinking that shoes are not things you want, they are things you NEED…regardless how many times you slip them on your beautifully pedicured feet. Stop asking yourself, “When will I ever wear these?” and start thinking

“I’ll make a reason to wear them.”

I mean shit, look at Cinderella, a new pair of shoes changed her life.

shoes carrie

3. Go BIG or go home

We have all had a Mr. Big in our lives. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a man who constantly comes and goes; it could end up being a friend, colleague, professor (Probably not the smartest idea). Regardless if it’s a  friend, a lover or whatever, we’ve all encountered a person like this, and if you haven’t, brace yourself because it’s coming. Love is a ridiculously complicated word that has a shit ton of different meanings. This meanings evolve as we age (Or don’t age. Hello? Botox?!) But one thing I learned from Carrie is if you love someone, and I mean REALLY love someone, don’t give up on them.

big

4. Girls (Who Run the World)

If you have an awesome ass job that pays a shit ton of money, don’t be ashamed of that!  All I have to say is, girl you should be damn proud of that! You put the time and effort into succeeding in YOUR life. DO NOT feel bad because your man does not make as much as you. It’s not his fault you’re naturally amazing and some men are even turned on by this. A housewife isn’t “being” something, its “doing” something and to “do” something, you have to “be” something first. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a woman owning the fact that she’s the bread winner.

Can you say “Stay-at-home-Dad?”

miranda gif

5. Love vs. Lovers

If you do not have a great love, then have a lover. After being in a few relationships I’ve learned that being in a relationship isn’t always what it’s cracked up to be. I’ve come to the realization that I’m too young to be tied down, but too old to be celibate. Let your inner Samantha Jones come out, and be fabulous. Do who you want, when you want, whenever you want. And if you’re not satisfied with your lover, find a new one.

samantha gif

Just remember there’s this thing called STD’s

and that’s something you WILL NOT be satisfied with…

6. Cos MORE politans

My parents always tell me that college is the time to do things I wouldn’t normally do. Their idea of “stepping out of my comfort zone” is joining mathletes or some weird shit like that. My idea is getting fucking wasted every weekend. But what SITC has taught me about drinking is that it never goes out of style. So, let’s toast to Mexi Monday, Twisted Tuesday, Wacky Wednesday, Thirsty Thursdays and then the all mighty “Weekend.” 

shots

7. Fiction vs. non-fiction

As a little girl I have always had this master plan to graduate college, get a job, get married, have babies, and live in Cape Cod on the ocean. But (Yes, there’s a “but”) sometimes you have to let go of those visions and accept reality. Charlotte has taught me that the idea of a perfect husband isn’t always perfect. You can’t force it, and you can’t pretend to see what you want to see. This wouldn’t be so much of an issue if David Beckham would just show up at my front door, but the right man will come into our lives when it is meant to be. I’ll be waiting Beckham….

fairytale gif

Carrie, we love you, but shut it. Let a girl dream.

8. Would you buy Cubic Zirconium when you can have a Diamond?

Would you settle on a pair of shoes because they are “OK?” The answer better be no. If you don’t settle on a pair of shoes, then why would you settle on a man? If you’re dating someone who has no aspirations in life, and no motivation, then sweetie you need to wake up and smell your Chanel perfume. Even though Samantha is a crazy sex addict (amen to her), she knows what she wants. She doesn’t settle for any man that doesn’t meet her expectations. It’s better to be single, then be with someone that isn’t the “the one”.

samantha guys gif

9. 1-800-DUMPHIM

If you’re in a relationship and you’re not smiling anymore, you need to let go. Sometimes, relationships are not meant to work out. It takes an incredibly strong person to know when the ride is over. No, I’m not talking about your ride “reverse cowgirl” style, I’m talking about the ride you predicated to take on your “five year plan.” Every girl has one of these. Whether it’s meeting Mr. Right, getting married, and having kids or graduating college, becoming a billionaire and along that road keeping your options open … we all have these plans. Throw it all out the window. Fate is not a real thing. Sorry. Nobody will be more disappointed than yourself when five years down the road, you realize that you should’ve ended the relationship back when it was acceptable to be on Tinder. Match.com requires money and a personality. I’m assuming you will have neither at that point, since being in a bad relationship sucks the life and (hundred) dollar bills right out of you to compensate for your latent emotions. Close the sucky relationship door and lock it and delete/block his number. Learn from all the women on SITC, when one chapter ends, another one begins. You are the writer to your own life, so write the story you want.

love me more gif

10. No amount of make-up can cover up who you really are

Rock what your mama gave you. Never forget that you are who you are, you can’t pretend to be someone who you are not. All the make-up in the world will not make you a different person, it makes you a cake-face-crayola-crayon. Don’t deny who you are to impress others. We all buy a ton of shit we don’t need (but we really do need the newest pair of Loubiton pumps) to impress people that don’t mater. So buy the shoes YOU want, and date the men YOU want, and drink however many drinks YOU want, and screw anyone that judges you.

fabulous gif

So, what is your favorite SITC episode? Comment & share below!

Amanda is a Disney Princess loving, wanna be Blair Waldorf, OCD freak that would rather be sunbathing on the beach. Her guilty pleasures include watching The Bachelor every Monday night, One Direction, and WAWA Slurpee’s. If she isn’t doing, consuming, or dreaming about any of that cool stuff, she’s probably just busy being a student at Rowan University.

amanda

Check here out here: www.linkedin.com/pub/amanda-kuster/85/932/192

Check me out here: http://www.linkedin.com/in/taylorcohen1/

Send me a tweet! @whatiknownoww @ttayl0r

CHEERS TO TWENTY-FOUR YEARS!

#TBH I’m surprised I even made it this far …

Raise your glass & share a toast!

Screenshot 2014-02-23 23.07.12

Twenty-four means you’ve started a defining decade in your life.

This era of your “early twenties” was summed up perfectly

by one neurologist as:

“A time of great risk and great opportunity”

Basically, you’re young enough to stay selfish,

but old enough to know better…

The following are the five things I’ve sort’ve figured out …
 

1. What is Life?

This really only applies to people who aren’t boring.

If you are one of those boring individuals:

It was really great to see forty notifications on LinkedIn about your latest promotion (Because we care?)

& OH, I ALMOST FORGOT! Congrats on the updated Facebook relationship status!

I’m sure you and your cat will be very happy together….

If you are NOT one of those boring individuals: 

You’ll begin to start questioning life right after you turn twenty-one. It will blindside you on a random Wednesday & you’ll think  back to when you read this and say, “Shit. She was right…” Yeah, well guess what? I’m always right.

There will be bills you must pay, obligations must keep & decisions you must make.

WORDS OF ADVICE: Verizon, Comcast, AMEX, nor Visa….

Will give two, three, or even four shits…that you “HAD TO HAVE” the new Google Glass…

Sort’ve like when you were little and your mom would threaten you with,

“If you break it, you buy it” 

Here is the adult version your mother never happened to mention:

“If you charge it, YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR IT LATER”

There are also these things called: APR, Interest, & Late Fee’s… Just as they sound, they are no fun.

Things may seem like they are starting to make sense .. and then they don’t & shit gets even more confusing than it was in the first place. Around this same time you’ll probably start to wonder about your character, morals &  beliefs:

 “What am I doing with my life?”

“Is this wrong?”

and even more importantly …

“Is Starbucks REALLY better than Dunkin?”

life choices

It gets better. Well, at least I hope it does. If I figure it out before you — I’ll make sure to mention it..

2. “AAAAAAND SHE’S PREGNANT…”

In the blink of an eye you’ll go from uploading pictures of you & your 8 million “best friends” …

…To unfollowing those exact same people five years later. Mostly due to the fact that they posted 40 pictures  IN A ROW of their newborn, alien baby & they continuously feel the need to use the hashtag “#babymama” like it’s a good thing…

photo-7

Oh, and don’t even get me started on all the engagements. Maybe it’s just me, but I’d rather wait until my fiancé can afford the ring I want, than him surprising me with a princess-cut cubic zirconia “diamond” from Walmart. I see this sad and unfortunate scenario play out daily as I scroll down my Instagram feed…

… and then I scroll back up to delete you.

If your engagement ring is that tacky, I do NOT want to see what the wedding will look like…

3. “Help Me, I’m Poor!”

If you have your shit together, you’re probably out of college by now, working your first job, getting paid like shit & still eating Ramon noodles. This may be where you return back to #1 (What is Life?) and ask yourself how did four years of suffering result in becoming more poor than you were to begin with?

You’re so poor even the bank even feels the need to remind you. Not only are you completely broke, but the NOTHING somehow turns into something…

Negative.

“Hello, Welcome to Wells Fargo Bank. Just to let you know you’re -23.00 in your checking. How would you like to fix this?”

Yes, I know. I am very well aware, considering you feel the need to remind me by sending out a letter everyday. Maybe if you would stop sending me mail we could call it even on the $23.00.

I’d save you a fortune on ink, envelopes, and postage.

You may tell yourself, “No, No, No… that ‘s only people who don’t watch their finances!”

 Yeah? Really? I watch mine…

I watch mine disappear….right on over to Sallie Mae.

help me im poor
 

4. The Holy Hell of Hangovers…

I swear my body knew when I turned twenty-four. I drank my face off, did some fucked up – reckless shit, woke up the next morning & legit had the worst hangover of my life. I’m not just talking about my head or my stomach…

I’m talking about my whole body. It was crying, whimpering & sulking…
 
image
  
I should’ve responded back with: “the hospital…” 
 

5. “What’s an Encyclopedia?”

Yes. That was a serious question a girl asked in my class.

The course largely consists of underclassmen, who were born in or around 1995-1996, but grew up in the new millennium. Of course, I did as well, but I also REMEMBER things from the 90’s…like what life was like before Wikipedia…

I feel like this is the appropriate time to pay my respects to Google, Wikipedia, and the like,  for making life a whole lot easier, but even more importantly…

“Yahoo Answers,” the single, most important reason I’m still in college & still passing.

At the very sound of my professor saying the word, “Encyclopedia”, half the class looked even more puzzled than a baby recognizing its own foot for the first time…

orange 

Although, I don’t think any story I tell you can beat the freshman girl who was completely beside herself as I explained how Justin Timberlake had been in a boy band & wore a matching denim outfit with Britney before he wore a matching suite & tie with Jay-Z

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So, twenty-four should be interesting. I mean, shit, the past 24 hours I have been pretttttty interesting.

I don’t know what the hell is going to happen with my life. At the rate I’m going I could either wake up tomorrow morning as Beyonce…

woke up

…Or I could wake up as Lindsay Lohan.

Ehhhhh.

If I get to choose, it would be LL circa 2004…

Those were the pre-drug-fueled-ankle-bracelet-wearing days.

I haven’t learned everything just yet, although I try acting like I do..(Confidence is the key!)

But I do know that somehow I got to where I am today.

And I have to say, where I am today…

I have a damn good time.

COPY POSITIONING ….

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more where this comes from…

Really coca cola? No, I am not on coke! I don’t do drugs…

I know I can’t be the only one who thinks this is the worst positioning of copy from a huge corporation…

Then again…it was on 95 North heading into NE Philly… So maybe there was some strategy behind this …

WHAT I KNOW NOW … NOKIA & SMW

WHAT I KNOW NOW ... NOKIA & SMW

RECEIVED THE BEST NEWS EVER TODAY!

I was selected as a recipient of a Scholarship Program in partnership with Nokia that will provide complimentary Campus Passes to attend Social Media Week in NYC. This program targeted startups, small businesses, non-profits & students.

What I Know Now: If you aren’t going to take risks and reach out, what makes you think you’re going to stand out?

What I Know Now…#SocialMedia

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Continue reading

What Blair Waldorf Knows Now….

#WhatYouNeedToKnow about friends, cutting them off, & your twenties…Bitchy Blair Style

Maybe we can all take a thing or two from Blair….like Chuck Bass.

You Know You Love Me
XOXO –Gossip Girl

#WhatYouNeedToKnow about friends, cutting them off, & your twenties…Bitchy Blair Style

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What I Know Now About the College Application Process…

What you should know about the college application process! I’ve been through this too many times to count over the past few years & this post shares some great tips!

I may add though: set all your personal social media to private. Admissions doesn’t need to know about the two wine coolers you chugged last weekend that got you “soooooooo wastedddddd.”

Just….don’t.

everythingyouneverknew

Hello fellow high schoolers, middle schoolers and late bloomers alike,

I’m here with a new series for y’all called: College Confusion Clarified (As you may have notice)

I’m here to help you, help yourself through the most confusing time ever. Whether you are in the time crunch of getting those app’s in by January (which is right around the corner so message me with any immediate help! info will be at the end!) or you still have some time, this series is for you!

Not to toot my own horn,  but I’m 4 for 4 in the application process! I’ve been accepted into Le Moyne, Saint Joseph’s, Fairfield and Mercyhurst, all with scholarships! *END BRAG SHESH*

This first post is going to be about the essay. The dreaded common app essay.

If you can, you will want to get it done as early as possible. But if you are…

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What I Know Now…About “What I Know Now…”

Incase you guys weren’t aware…”What I Know Now…” was created for a class that I am enrolled in this semester. So, it’s the last two weeks of class…

(Thank fucking god, because I’m two seconds away from a mental breakdown!)

are you ok?

And we were asked to write a reflection paper on what we learned by creating these projects…

Which is basically that this shit takes forever to make & it sucks up ALL your time.

…but I don’t think that’s what my professor was looking to hear, so I had to actually write a legitimate paper without using the word “fuck” or making any references towards how much I drank last night.

So, as you can see this was naturally super hard for me, but here goes nothing:

The following is what I know now about “What I Know Now…”

           Everybody, one way or another, is subjected to new experiences and those experiences allow us to obtain a new gained knowledge. These pieces of knowledge are things that we take with us after each experience can and should be shared, which was exactly why “What I Know Now” was created. There are many things I wish I knew in the beginning of this semester about participatory media that I know now. I created a blog on WordPress, which I used as my homepage, along with Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram pages. Being that I have never created anything like this before, everything was a learning experience for me. There are things I would have changed looking back and things I’m glad I was able to learn and incorporate, but the overall result I feel was a success.

           These participatory media’s used for “What I Know Now…” allowed me to substantially expand my network, which was necessary in order for my opportunities of interaction to increase. The blog itself has gotten over 1,000 views and of those 1,000 views 70 of them have been from other countries. Without these participatory technologies, this would have been near close to impossible. A contributing factor for these statistics were small world networks that Shirky described. The “What I Know Now…” Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram pages had smaller groups, but more dense connections. The majority of these people were classmates, friends, or family that I had personally invited myself. These people helped spread the word about the project initially by posting to their own social media sites and I even had a few people send out e-mails to family, which jump started expanding my network. Not only did I use the “What I Know Now…” social media pages to promote my posts, but I also used my own personal pages, along with the WordPress community. By posting to my personal pages I had a large group that I was speaking to with hundreds of loose connections. A few of those loose connections ended up being people who were highly connected. These people contributed to a large part of these views when they posted the link to their own personal page, where then thousands of their friends then had access to my blog. The WordPress community also allowed for me to expand my network when two people reblogged my post “67 Things I Wish I Knew at 18…” which allowed their own followers to be referred to my site. I quickly realized that expanding your network is critical when using participatory technologies, but it is much harder than it seems.

            Rainie and Wellman’s theory of networked individualism was described as an operating system, because it described the way in which people connect, communicate, and exchange information. “What I Know Now…” utilized all these aspects of networked individualism clearly and efficiently. Immediately after creating the participatory technologies I used for this project, I began to send out friend requests and searched hashtags, names, and topics so that I was able to connect with people and vice versa. Once I did this, I made a mistake. I didn’t go back to following people or searching for people who may have had similar interests for about a month. I figured people would both see my personal pages and spread the word by sharing them on theirs or somehow someway people would miraculously find my blog or other participatory technologies. I quickly saw I was wrong and this ended up setting me back in regards to communicating with people. I published my last post for this semester today and I have a grand total of sixteen comments. I did increase the communication towards the end of this semester by commenting several times a week on people who used some of the same hashtags or keywords as the “What I Know Now…” blog. Although it was tedious, it did allow me to gain some unexpected feedback through communication with these people who chose to participate with me. Several people that I connected and communicated with actually ended up sharing and exchanging a post I had written on Facebook or on Twitter close to 400+ times. Scrolling through my newsfeed one day I came across a screen shot with part of paragraph I had written on Instagram. Even two people from the WordPress community reblogged the whole thing all together onto their own personal pages. There were several exchanges going on throughout this experience. I myself could’ve done more for the communities I was involved in, but thankfully I had a network that was happy to help spread the word. Most of the networked individualism I experienced happened in a looser more fragmented network, which allowed for the barriers to break from my small groups to a broader personal network by using these participatory technologies.

Even though I exceeded all my personal expectations, “What I Know Now…” is still in an early developmental phase. In these early stages, it is vital that the virtual self is on that is well connected and accepted by the targeted online community. Virtual networks give you the ability to leverage the human resources we need to make these technologies work. Expanding my network and engaging in the process of networked individualism will allow me to continue to expand my audience and online presence.

success

Here comes Peter Cottontail…

So. This is a good one…Take my word for it.

A few years ago I had these neighbors. These are the type of neighbors you don’t really know too well, but you say hi when you both awkwardly walk down to your mailboxes at the end of your driveways at the same time and run into each other. Those types of neighbors.

One beautiful summer afternoon as I was cleaning my house while my parents were at work

AKA: As I was throwing back shots of Jose Cuervo with my friends by the pool while my parents were at work

shots

I randomly hear my doorbell ring. Naturally, I get nervous and think it’s one of two things:

A kidnapper

or

The police.

doorbell

Every pretty girl thinks the same thing when she’s home alone and the door bell rings. You’re afraid that since you obviously weren’t beaten with the ugly stick it could be a crazy person coming to lock you in his basement for thirty years or you think it could be the police, because remember that shit that happened two years ago that nobody fucking remembers, but you think up five million scenarios in your head on how the police somehow know? Yeah. Think about this next time this happens to you girls. You’ll see I’m right. I’m always right.

Well now that I proved that point, it was neither.

I opened up the door in a sweat shirt and sweat pants (AKA in a bikini with a drink in my hand) and see my mailbox neighbors. Awkward. I held the door open just enough to pop my head out, because they don’t seem like the type of people you want to let in your house mostly because the wife had her pet bunny rabbit in her arms. She would carry it around frequently and it sort’ve freaked me out. The wife handed me some cookies (I’m guessing as some peace offering, doesn’t she know cookies have carbs? Not a great way to make friends lady…) and she began to tell me some story that I’m sure I cared about for two seconds, but I started sucking down the rest of my drink halfway through, since she got boring pretty quickly. Naturally, this led me to forget much of our conversation, which I didn’t mind, because I vaguely remembered her glorifying her pet bunny rabbit.

eyeroll

Two days later I was outside basking in the sun’s glorious rays trying to obtain my perfect golden tan, when I heard my dog run up next to my towel. It was my job to watch her during the day and I frequently left the gate open for her to run around so she could explore without the restraints of a fence. I sat up and realized that she had something gripped in her mouth. Rikki was always trying to get me to throw shit across the yard for her to chase. It was exhausting and I was obviously busy. The perfect tan takes handwork and patience. I told her to spit it out and I quickly noticed that it didn’t look like a toy.

IT WAS A FUCKING RABBIT.

MY NEIGHBORS FUCKING RABBIT.

are you kidding me

Yes, this really is my life.

Obviously, I freaked out. I wasn’t sure if I should clean it off and return it to the cage in their backyard or pretend to tell them that I tried to rescue it as it got hit by a car from escaping its cage. Really…who would tell the truth about this? Nobody. Don’t lie. You can’t turn your dog in. It’s man’s bestfriend.

So naturally, I decided to do the more fucked up thing.

Yeah. I cleaned the rabbit off. So what? I wasn’t totally in the right mindset. Everyone know’s what this feels like. It’s that feeling when you know that shit is about to hit the fan and if you don’t do some fucked up shit to fix it…your ass is the one that’s on the line.

I walked over to my neighbors house and snuck into the backyard where the cage was. I slid the rabbit back into it’s shitty home (who leaves a rabbit outside?) and I ran back home to pretend like it was a dream similar to Alice in Wonderland. Except that this white rabbit probably wishes it was late for a very important date…with my dogs mouth.

alice

A few days later I woke up and walked down to my driveway to grab the mail. I was waiting for a package with a bunch of overpriced items that I bought with my dad’s credit card and I wanted to make sure he didn’t find it before I did. Even before I could notice, my neighbor conveniently happened to start walking towards her mailbox as well. We both made eye contact and she waved. White flag. I immediately knew she had no idea that I was an accessory in the death of her precious rabbit.  She grabbed her mail and I saw her glance my way once again. I could tell she wanted to come over and start some pointless conversation with me and unfortunatley I didn’t have a drink in my hand this time. She started off with some pointless small talk, but quickly began to tell me how depressed and upset she had been over the past two days. Like I care. She continues blabbering on about how her husband doesn’t believe her and how the rabbit was dead earlier in the week.

wait what

PAUSE LADY. WHAT DID JUST SAY ABOUT THE RABBIT?

I tell her to calm the fuck down and that I’m here for her,

but to tell me exactly what happened from the beginning.

DISCLAIMER: ONLY CONTINUE READING IF YOU’RE IN A PLACE WHERE YOU CAN SCREAM

“OH MY GOD ARE FUCKING SERIOUS? IS THAT REAL?!”

She beings to tell me that her beloved bunny rabbit had passed away “naturally thank god, because I don’t think I could deal with the fact if he went any other way.” I got every detail about how she buried it in the backyard, but a few days ago when she decided it was time to clean out the cage she was surprised to find the rabbit back…in it’s cage…after being buried…in the ground.

It hit me immediately and I realized two things:

I wasn’t an accessory to the murder of her rabbit

and

I am one fucked up person.

The rabbit had actually died naturally with its owner a few days before my dog Rikki had found it. My neighbor buried the rabbit in their backyard where my dog would frequently run around during the day when I would open the gate. Since I had more important things to do than watch my dog like my parents would tell me to do, I never noticed if she was getting into something…like a buried bunny. My dog had dug up the already dead rabbit up and delivered it to me (what a nice gift, don’t ya think?) and being that I was unaware of the rabbits first death I had cleaned it off and returned it to it’s cage. When my neighbor came to grips with reality and decided that she needed to clean the cage … she found the rabbit back … in its cage … after it had already been buried.

waving hands

So my neighbor now believes that her bunny rabbit is some sort of spiritual animal, because what type of living thing dies and then comes back to life? The only other time I’ve heard of this happening is in this fairy tale book called the Bible where some guy apparently crawls out of a cave and comes back to life. Sounds legit….

I told you this was a good one.

So what do I know now that I wish I knew then …

LIE IF YOU MUST.

There are certain situations in life where you have no choice but to lie. If I would’ve told my neighbors the truth about how my dog had dug their dead rabbit….I’m pretty sure that wouldn’t have gone to well.

LISTEN TO YOUR PARENTS

My one job while my parents were at work was to watch the damn dog. If I would have done this correctly I wouldn’t have a neighbor who now thinks her rabbit is the second coming of Christ in animal form.

PRACTICE YOUR SURPRISE FACE

This is like an art. There are going to be things that happen in your life where you already know the truth, but you can’t let anyone else know that you know. So this is where your surprise face comes into play. Practice makes perfect and it needs to be perfect or else you won’t pull it off. This way the next time you do some fucked up shit on the down low and somebody mentions it to you … you can kill it with the surprise face and maybe even add a “OH MY GOD I can’t believe that” just to make it extra reassuring that you had no part in that situation, even though you totally did..or did you?

shocked

What do you wish you knew

then that you know now?

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