It’s been awhile. I know. Whatever. Get over it.
I havent slept in 3 days… I think it’s Wednesday?
Today is my last college class. EVER.
Yup — I actually pulled this shit show off.
Ok. I need to study or some shit I guess
This really only applies to people who aren’t boring.
It was really great to see forty notifications on LinkedIn about your latest promotion (Because we care?)
& OH, I ALMOST FORGOT! Congrats on the updated Facebook relationship status!
I’m sure you and your cat will be very happy together….
You’ll begin to start questioning life right after you turn twenty-one. It will blindside you on a random Wednesday & you’ll think back to when you read this and say, “Shit. She was right…” Yeah, well guess what? I’m always right.
There will be bills you must pay, obligations must keep & decisions you must make.
WORDS OF ADVICE: Verizon, Comcast, AMEX, nor Visa….
Will give two, three, or even four shits…that you “HAD TO HAVE” the new Google Glass…
Sort’ve like when you were little and your mom would threaten you with,
“If you break it, you buy it”
Here is the adult version your mother never happened to mention:
“If you charge it, YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR IT LATER”
There are also these things called: APR, Interest, & Late Fee’s… Just as they sound, they are no fun.
Things may seem like they are starting to make sense .. and then they don’t & shit gets even more confusing than it was in the first place. Around this same time you’ll probably start to wonder about your character, morals & beliefs:
It gets better. Well, at least I hope it does. If I figure it out before you — I’ll make sure to mention it..
In the blink of an eye you’ll go from uploading pictures of you & your 8 million “best friends” …
…To unfollowing those exact same people five years later. Mostly due to the fact that they posted 40 pictures IN A ROW of their newborn, alien baby & they continuously feel the need to use the hashtag “#babymama” like it’s a good thing…
Oh, and don’t even get me started on all the engagements. Maybe it’s just me, but I’d rather wait until my fiancé can afford the ring I want, than him surprising me with a princess-cut cubic zirconia “diamond” from Walmart. I see this sad and unfortunate scenario play out daily as I scroll down my Instagram feed…
… and then I scroll back up to delete you.
If your engagement ring is that tacky, I do NOT want to see what the wedding will look like…
If you have your shit together, you’re probably out of college by now, working your first job, getting paid like shit & still eating Ramon noodles. This may be where you return back to #1 (What is Life?) and ask yourself how did four years of suffering result in becoming more poor than you were to begin with?
You’re so poor even the bank even feels the need to remind you. Not only are you completely broke, but the NOTHING somehow turns into something…
“Hello, Welcome to Wells Fargo Bank. Just to let you know you’re -23.00 in your checking. How would you like to fix this?”
Yes, I know. I am very well aware, considering you feel the need to remind me by sending out a letter everyday. Maybe if you would stop sending me mail we could call it even on the $23.00.
I’d save you a fortune on ink, envelopes, and postage.
You may tell yourself, “No, No, No… that ‘s only people who don’t watch their finances!”
Yeah? Really? I watch mine…
I swear my body knew when I turned twenty-four. I drank my face off, did some fucked up – reckless shit, woke up the next morning & legit had the worst hangover of my life. I’m not just talking about my head or my stomach…I’m talking about my whole body. It was crying, whimpering & sulking… I should’ve responded back with: “the hospital…”
Yes. That was a serious question a girl asked in my class.
The course largely consists of underclassmen, who were born in or around 1995-1996, but grew up in the new millennium. Of course, I did as well, but I also REMEMBER things from the 90’s…like what life was like before Wikipedia…
I feel like this is the appropriate time to pay my respects to Google, Wikipedia, and the like, for making life a whole lot easier, but even more importantly…
“Yahoo Answers,” the single, most important reason I’m still in college & still passing.
At the very sound of my professor saying the word, “Encyclopedia”, half the class looked even more puzzled than a baby recognizing its own foot for the first time…
Although, I don’t think any story I tell you can beat the freshman girl who was completely beside herself as I explained how Justin Timberlake had been in a boy band & wore a matching denim outfit with Britney before he wore a matching suite & tie with Jay-Z
So, twenty-four should be interesting. I mean, shit, the past 24 hours I have been pretttttty interesting.
I don’t know what the hell is going to happen with my life. At the rate I’m going I could either wake up tomorrow morning as Beyonce…
…Or I could wake up as Lindsay Lohan.
If I get to choose, it would be LL circa 2004…
Those were the pre-drug-fueled-ankle-bracelet-wearing days.
Ok, so being that it is midterms week, I haven’t really had a “What I Know Now…” moment other than I wish I knew last week that I should go into hibernation and get as much sleep as possible or else this is what you’ll end up looking like at the end of exam week…
…I swear I don’t smoke crack (but I’m obviously loosing my mind for sharing this picture with all of you)! My eyes are as red as the devils dick, because I haven’t slept in 48 hours due to the massive amount of studying that HAD to be done. I had THREE exams in ONE day all within FOUR hours of each other. Slow. Fucking. Torture.
With this allllllllll being said, I pondered my beautiful little brain and thought to myself, “What’s one really rediculous thing that you wish you knew then that you know now” and then it hit me…just like my car hit the dust…or is it bit the dust? Whatever. Either way…
It was 2008 I had just gotten into a pretty nasty car accident in my VERY FIRST CAR. Ugh. It was totally upsetting and I felt like I had lost my first born, but my father (who is a damn saint) made sure his princess had something to drive around in.
Now, now, now, don’t make fun. This was back in 2008 and this was still a pretty decent car. I drove all over the place in this bad boy and I *sniff, sniff* don’t want to get emotional so lets just get on with the story…
I had a friend who lived up in North Philadelphia and he would throw insane parties & a lot of
legal shit went on. LIke duh, this was NORTH PHILLY HELLO. Yet, it was always a crazy ass time. So, one night we find out my friend is throwing one of his famous parties and I promised to drive down with my good friend Theresa if we could stay the night. (No, I wasn’t sleeping with him. Ew! I’m just not going to get wasted and drive duh…). The plans work out and everything is set…
Theresa meets me at my house later that night we get all slutified up
(I mean lets be honest, we were eighteen…EVERY GIRL DOES THIS)
We get ready to leave…half dressed of course, hop in my car, and this weird light comes on….
Now, I should make a disclaimer here: I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT CARS…just like the 99% of other eighteen year old girls. My dad would take my car to get it registered, tires, inspected, oil, gas…basically everything, so I didn’t really think twice about the light.
I just figured that the Genie from Aladdin was coming to the party with us that night.
I’m sure we had some ridiculous hardcore mainstream rap music blaring from my car as we flew down route 42. I start heading towards the Ben Franklin Bridge and my car starts making weird noises. I figured Genie was coming alive! It was a hilarious joke to me that my car was making noises…this was obviously before I realized that when you car is making noises like that your about to be
We pull up the toll and I begin to accelerate. As I accelerate I can see that my speedometer that tracks my gears shifting (I have no idea if there is an actual name for that part of a car, but again, I know nothing about cars) is going totally crazy. All the sudden….
Smoke was going up trailing behind me….I’m screaming like I’m being chased by a mass murder! Thank baby Jesus for the laws of motion, because I was just enough over the bridge that we just glided the rest of the way down where I somehow got us off at the first exit.
We sit. In silence. I scream…“WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK.” I really wasn’t pissed about my car. I was more or so pissed that I was missing a great party with a ton of cute guys and free drinks. Remember, I was selfish…I was eighteen. Then again, if this was today I would still probably be pissed, but I’d be pissed about the party AND the car. Remember, I’m still sort’ve selfish, I’m twenty-three.
Immediately, we start thinking of how we are going to get my car back to life or who is going to pick us up to take us the party. THIS IS WHERE SHIT GETS WEIRD. Theresa has an older sister, MIchelle, who we believed would pick us up without telling our parents where we were or what happened to my car. She grabs her phone and apparently dials her number, but we soon find out she accidentally calls our friend Stef. …”M” and “S” are obviously in completely polar opposite sections of the phonebook, so I’m not quite sure how Theresa managed to do that, but being the damsels in distress that we were, Theresa quickly tells Stef about what happen to us and conversation went something like this…
Theresa: “OH MA GAWD STEF! You’re like never going to understand what happened to us..”
Now I should tell you that Theresa and I grew up together and we were always getting into ridiculous and hilarious situations. This time it was pretty ridiculous, but not so hilarious.
“We’re in Taylor’s car and it like totally broke down on the Ben Franklin Bridge and we pulled off at the first exit and —-“
“OH MA GAWDD SHUT UP! SHUT UP! ARE YOU SERIOUS!?”
Being that the phone was not on speaker and I only hear the one side of the phone, (Theresa’s side), I start freaking the fuck out. Obviously what happened was that somebody planted a Genie bomb in my car to make it blow up and Stef knew about it and didn’t tell us. I imagined it would’ve looked something like this under my hood:
The only thing that kept me from thinking it wasn’t a Genie bomb was that I didn’t hear Robin Williams voice or see a magic carpet ready to save me and bring me to the party. Shit! I would’ve been a pretty hot Jasmine…blonde hair, blue eyes…Really I wouldn’t look anything like Jasmine,
but bitches love carpet rides.
Even Aladdin knows whats up …
Oh right…there’s like supposed to be a point to this story. So FINALLY Theresa gets off the phone with Stef and she bursts out that Stef is on her way over the bridge and “HOW CRAZY NUTS IS THAT…BECAUSE WE’RE LIKE SITTING HERE…AND I ACCIDENTALLY CALLED HER…AND OH MY GOD LIKE HERE SHE IS RIGHT FFFINGGG NOW!”
Obviously I didn’t share the same enthusiasm as Theresa over Stef showing up. I really didn’t care. Stef wasn’t going to fix my car. She was going to take us to the party. This was my dilemma: Go to the party and leave my car here OR figure out how to fix my car and then go to the party.
Stef drives up right next to my broken down batmobile and I plead her to take me to the gas station. I had figured out that the little “Genie Light” means your car is out of/running low on oil and being that my car basically exploded..I figured it was OUT of oil. How hard could putting oil into your car be? I saw Megan Fox do it in a movie once.
Putting anything in your car is hard, but when you open up the hood of your car theres close to five million things that can probably kill you if your not careful…so, its not easy as little miss thing up there makes it look.
I could tell that Stef was going to leave us and being that it was December and I couldn’t turn my car on, I decided to submit to my last resort. I called AAA. I don’t necessarily hate AAA, but every time I call them my night ends up ruined, mostly because they take close to TWENTY YEARS to get to your location. So naturally we wait, and wait, and wait, and wait, and wait. Finally…. this poor unfortunate soul shows up and takes a look at my poor-blown-up-genie-out-of-the-lamp-car and announces that it’s basically dead. I shed a tear, or two….but no more than two. I was kind of over this car by this point anyway (Remember, I’m eighteen and selfish).
The AAA driver loads my car onto his truck and asks us if we need a ride home. Unfortunately, I had to grab a ride with what appeared to be an ex-con AAA driver, because Stef left us to go to the party…I would’ve too (there was free beer remember?), so I can’t be too harsh about it. My mother always told me not to get into a car with strangers, but obviously I had no choice. I began my journey on the most awkward ride home in my life. Finally we show up on my street and I ask the driver to drop my car off across the street…
I honestly don’t remember the story that I told my dad, but I’m sure I made up something ridiculous about how somebody blew up my car with a bomb. That probably was the actual story. My father is going to read this and he’ll probably call me and tell me that he knew the whole time…even though he didn’t. He thinks he’s an FBI agent or something.
So, What do I wish I knew then that I know now…
to tell my dad the first time I ever saw that light turn on. The also goes for brakes and transmission, but thats another story. I didn’t mention this, but the light had been on prior to this sad day for about two weeks. Ok, now my dad is really going to kill me when he reads this.
that you shouldn’t drive if your drinking even if you have a place to stay. THIS IS A GIRL CODE! If you have friends, somebody will come pick you up. Having a car at a party means you either can’t drink and have a great time or you have to worry about the responsibilities that come along with that car even if your not driving (ex: getting your car towed or making sure it doesn’t blow up).
not to picture Megan Fox as I’m putting oil in my car, because you’ll try to whip your hair back trying to mimic being all sexy like her and you’ll get your hair in oil.
that this would be a memory I would talk about for the next few years and laugh hysterically over. Sometimes you’re so caught up in life’s little road blocks it sends you that you forget to look around and just laugh at the hand you’ve been dealt. I had so many things to crack up about this night and instead I had my bitch face on the whole night just because I was going to miss party. There would be tons of other parties, but not another time that my car blew up on the bridge. Sometimes you just have to stop taking life so seriously because….